The Workout

 

Chapter 1

Shondra was fresh out of the shower and admired herself in her full length mirror. She was 5 foot 11 and weighed nearly 500 pounds. She rubbed her enormous double belly with her chubby, soft hands as she let out a pleased chuckle. She had an extremely round face with chubby cheeks and a triple chin that wobbled as she laughed. Her dark, mocha skinned shined as she turned to the side. Her belly flopped against the bottom of her thighs just above her knees. Her bare breasts rested nicely on her upper belly and she rubbed those too as she admired her figure. Her hands found her belly again and lifted it up to expose her massive fupa before letting it drop, landing against her knees with a SMACK that actually winded her for a second. Her thighs wobbled as she turned around to admire her ass next. It was not only round but wide as well, her best friend Kim would say when Shondra twerked at the club, it would cause an earthquake. She gave her booty a wiggle which caused it to massively jiggle. She stuck her tongue out and leaned forward, imagining she was grinding on Kim. When she was finished she wiped her brow which had begun to sweat a little. Being nearly 500 pounds made even these little movements tough for Shondra, but she wouldn't have it any other way. She and her best friend Kim were big beautiful women and loved to flaunt their curves, specifically with each other. Both of them lived a life of indulgence which caused both of them to put on quite a bit of weight since Kim moved to the United States from England two years earlier. Every now and then when the two ladies would drink, they flirted with each other but never actually hooked up. Shondra was very attracted to Kim but Kim was married to a man and she felt bad about making Kim cheat on her husband, even if it was with her. She knew her husband wasn't attracted to her so a three-way with him was out of the question. Because of her declining mobility, it was Kim's idea for Shondra and her to start doing yoga. The only problem was they had no idea what they were doing so Shondra decide to hire an instructor.

Shondra grunted and groaned as she struggled to put on her size 34 black panties. She could hear the seams stretch as she got them over her tree trunk thighs but met resistance by her gigantic ass. She wiggled her heavenly hips and got them on and had to wipe her brow again. She was already getting a workout just putting on her clothes. Up next came her size 34 yoga pants which were navy blue and a size (insert). Her thighs wobbled as she huffed and puffed to pull them up over her hanging belly. Once her belly and booty were in, once again she was almost out of breath as she admired her figure. Her huge, pillow arms jiggled as she shook them to get some circulation before stretching. Last but not least she had to put on a sports bra and a t-shirt. She waddled over to her dresser and could feel the seams on her yoga pants stretching as she wobbled. She pulled out a gray sports bra and managed to squeeze her 50D breasts into it. Her boob fat was spilling out of the sides but thankfully there was no pesky wire to dig into her. She found a plain white t-shirt to put on and had trouble putting that on as well. As she wobbled back to the mirror she lifted her belly up and let it slap against her thighs again before saying outloud “Damnnn girl yer getting big!” She was always a big girl in high school but having your best friend be a 'gluttonous oink' as she called it caused Shondra to balloon from 300 to nearly 500 pounds since she found Kim on a BBW website four years earlier. Shondra waddled to the living room and after rolling out her yoga mat, she plopped down on the couch, which groaned and creaked from her weight. Now she had to wait for Kim and the instructor to show up. Shondra reached for her pack of Marlboro Reds, grabbed her lighter and lit a cigarette. As she took a drag, she looked down and started jiggling her own gut which caused her to say “Ooooooh hehehehe” She checked her phone to see if anyone had messaged her and indeed both the instructor and Kim had made it know they were on their way. She had found an instructor on a series of YouTube vids that just happened to be local and hired him for $25 an hour. What she didn't know is this was going to be one of the most memorable workouts she ever could have imagined.

Chapter 2

Around an hour later the doorbell rang and Shondra had to struggle just to get off the couch. She had to lean forward, huff, lean back, huff again before finally heaving herself forward enough to make it to her feet. Her knees and back cracking as she wobbled to balance herself. The doorbell rang again as Shondra said “I'm coming, I'm coming, hold up.” Shondra waddled to the door and opened it and standing in the doorway was her friend Kim. Kim stood about 5 foot 8 and weighed just over 300 pounds. She had her brown hair back in a ponytail and had cute chubby cheeks and a double chin along with glow in her smile. She had on a black Nike t-shirt that said “Just Do It” and underneath was a 42DD black sports bra. She was wearing gray size 28 yoga pants and she was built a bit differently than Shondra. While Shondra was as wide as she was tall, Kim grew outward instead of horizontal. Her belly and booty were both quite round although she had big thick thighs. She too seemed to be crammed into her workout clothes only her wobble was a lot less prevalent. She had her purse in one hand and a yoga mat underneath her other arm. She walked in the door and said in a thick British accent “What took you so long, girl?” Shondra put her hand on her hip and said “Had to haul my fat ass off the couch, get in here.” Kim set her Gucci bag on the hallway counter and pulled out her pack of Camel cigarettes and set them next to Shondra's pack. “Is our instructor here yet?” Shondra shook her head and her chins wobbled “No, not yet. Better get set up.”

Kim bent over to roll her yoga mat out and Shondra checked out Kim's ass while she did that. Much to Shondra's delight, Kim wasn't wearing any panties and her pants were just a tiny bit see-through. Not as badly as her own were but she didn't know that. Kim looked over her shoulder and chuckled as she noticed Shondra staring. “Like the view, Shondra?” Shondra nodded her head and said “Girl yo ass is fire, just spittin facts.” Kim “Haha, if you say so.” Kim bent back up and started stretching her arms. She too had arm fat developing but not nearly as prolific as Shondra's arms. Shondra waddled over to her mat and Kim couldn't help but notice. She bit her bottom lip and said “You're really starting to wobble, love.” Shondra replied “Yeah yeah, I know.” Kim “I dig it.” Shondra was taken aback and said “Wait, really?” Kim said “I wasn't expecting to, but the way you jiggle and wiggle, I can get into it, love.” Shondra picked up her belly and said “You like this jiggle?” before letting it drop and smack against her thighs.” Kim said “Shondra that was brilliant.” Kim lifted her own belly only hers landed mid-thigh when it dropped. Shondra smiled and said “No, THAT was brilliant. Do yo thing girl.” Kim walked up and bumped Shondra's belly with her own and Shondra bumped hers back. Shondra grabbed Kim's belly and shook it while saying “Living in America has done wonders for you.” Kim laughed and grabbed Shondra's belly, wobbling it a bit gentler than Shondra was and said “Me living here is doing wonders for you too, love.” Shondra “Wouldn't have it any other way, just need to get a little exercise in our lives.” Kim nodded her head and started rubbing Shondra's belly more gently than playfully “I agree, you're really getting big, hun. I'm starting to wobble around myself and my husband is concerned.” Shondra stopped jiggling Kim and started rubbing her belly gently as well. “Oh sweetie, hopefully this will make us feel better. You look great in your outfit by the way, girl.” Kim looked at herself and said “I do?” Shondra nodded and said “Yeah really, you could sway down the street and the fellas would love it.” Kim said “Don't forget about yourself. The way you wobble I'm surprised you're still single.” Shondra nodded and said “Your husband better appreciate you, you're gorgeous.” Kim looked away for a second and said “Rubbish, he's always “concerned” about me but even when I was smaller he wasn't really into me.” Shondra says “Forget about him, you look great.” As they continued to rub each other's belly, the doorbell rang again. Shondra and Kim's hands pushed off each other as they were started. Shondra said “Ok, let's get some exercise.” She had no idea what kind was in store for the two of them.

Chapter 3

Shondra waddled over to the door and opened it. Much to her delight was a man in his 30's with blonde hair, blue eyes, muscles and looked to be 5 foot 8 and 175 pounds. He was wearing a white tanktop and maroon workout shorts along with white sneakers while holding a yoga mat under his arms. He looked up at Shondra and looked surprise before saying “Shondra??” Shondra's eyes bulged wide as she instantly knew who her instructor was. “David?? Damnnnnn boy how you been?” David “Oh wow, it is you!” David dropped the yoga mat and hugged Shondra close and as his arms sank into her rolls, his smile got even brighter. Shondra felt his hands squeeze her rolls and could only giggle as she said “Come in, come in.” David picked up his mat and walked inside as Shondra waddled to the living room where Kim was waiting for them. Shondra said “Kim, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is David, we went to high school together a long time ago.” David held his free hand out and he shook Kim's hand before looking her up and down as her arm jiggled. Kim “Nice to meet you.” David “The pleasure is all mine Kim.” Kim smiled as David tilted his head toward Shondra “I've known this bitch longer than high school, we used to push each other in the sandbox in pre-school until we both realized we liked each other.” Shondra punched David's arm and said “Boy I know you ain't callin me a bitch, I'll push you again.” David smiled and said “Please do. Let me get set up.”

As David looked around and started rolling his mat out a good distance from the other two mats, Kim looked over at Shondra and mouthed “He's hot” and Shondra nodded her head while mouthing back “I know.” Shondra waddled over to her mat with Kim standing on hers with her hands on her protruding hips. David said “Ok, what we're going to do doesn't require stretching before we do anything. But we need to be constantly hydrated, do you two have water?” Kim looked at Shondra and they both shook their heads. David “Do you have water bottles? You're going to need them.” Shondra said “I'll get some” and waddled off with David's eyes watching her curves wobble in her yoga pants. He looked over at Kim who bit her bottom lip and he winked at her. Shondra waddled back from the fridge and tossed Kim a bottle before setting hers down by her mat. David set his feet and said “Ok, first I want you to do is bend your knees a little and reach like you're saying 'touchdown'.” David raised his arms slowly like he was signaling a touchdown as Kim said “Touchdown?” Shondra began to raise her huge, pillow soft arms and said “Don't mind her, she's British. Just do this, Kim.” Kim followed David and Shondra's lead and David could see both of their exposed bellies with their arms up. David smiled and said “Ok now bring them down and back up but use your own dynamic resistance. Pretend like you're underwater.” David brought his arms down and back up as Kim and Shondra did the same. Shondra started huffing already as David said “Alright so bring your arms down and make a diamond symbol with your hands. Kim and Shondra followed David's lead and David said “Alright now raise your arms over your head like this and arch your back. Kim and Shondra did the best they could and once again David checked out their bellies when their shirts rode up. David said “Now bring your arms out and then flex like this.” Kim and Shondra again followed David's lead as he could hear their bones and joints creaking, further making him smile.” David said “Now arch your back like you're standing at attention for the army...and relax.” Kim and Shondra both did it as he could see some sweat on Kim's forehead while Shondra was already sweating profusely. David “Let's do it again but all in one motion.” David led the way and checked out both Kim and Shondra's bodies wobble as they did their best to keep up. Finally Shondra said “Stop, stop, gotta catch by breath” Shondra started fanning herself with both hands as David walked over and said “Is everything okay?” Shondra replied “Yeah” before David said “What happened to you?” Shondra laughed, grabbed her belly and jiggled it before saying “I got fat, that's what happened.” David couldn't help himself and rubbed her belly before saying “Wow, you really did.” Kim put her hand over her mouth to keep from giggling as Shondra punched his arm again and said “Why you rubbing my gut for, weirdo? You think I'm hot or something?” David nodded his head and said “Yes, I do actually.” Shondra said “Wait....what?”

Chapter 4

David looked down shocked that he was so blunt but the truth was he really was attracted to Shondra and always had been. David “You knew that, didn't you?” Shondra “Hell no. You've been an athlete since elementary school and was always dating thin bitches. Since when did you have the hots for me?” David replied “I always did but my parents were very critical about who I dated. Hell my father didn't exactly like you and I never understood why. But the truth is if I could have dated you in high school, I would have.” Shondra looked over at Kim and said “You hearing this?” Kim said “Well, if he says he likes you, then he likes you. Can we get back to work though? We're paying him 25 an hour.” David shook his head and said “Yes, yes....lets try some table positions.” David walked over to his mat still entranced by the softness of Shondra's belly. She felt like an inflated marshmallow and he loved the sensation. He then got down on his knees with his arms in push up position and said “Do what I'm doing here.” Kim had a bit of trouble hauling her frame to the ground but Shondra took extra time, needing to use the couch to get herself on the ground and in that position. David smiled and said “Turn to your side so I can see your forms.” Both ladies complied and David smiled again. He didn't need to see their form, he just wanted to see how far their bellies hung and their asses up in the air. He was mesmerized by how Kim's body grew outward while Shondra's jutted out sideways. David put his right arm out and said “Now bring your right arm out like you're going to shake someones hand.” Kim and Shondra put their arms out and looked at David who brought his left foot back. David “Now bring your left foot back, this is a bit tricky but this is a good way to stretch and build some balance. Shondra could barely get her thunder thighs off the ground and even Kim had trouble keeping balance. Kim finally said “Love, can you help me please?” David hopped to his feet and walked over to Kim. He said “What do you need?” Kim looked up at him and smiled with a devilish grin and said, am I doing it right? Shondra looked at her confused and David kneeled down. Kim put her arm out weakly and her left leg out to the side. David said “No, left leg straight out, right arm straight out.” David gently grabbed her arm and held it out then looked over at her leg. When Kim noticed David looking at her she wiggled her booty. Shondra said “Oh hell no, girl, keep it professional.” David said “I'm not complaining.” Kim said “Relax girl, its all in fun. You should try it.” David's eyes lit up and said “Yeah Shondra. Try it.” Shondra giggled and said “You perv, that's just what you want isn't it? Fine, have a look.” Shondra grunted as she stuck her right arm out and lifted her left leg as far as she could before wobbling her booty. David said “That's what I'm talking about.” as Kim said “See, have fun with it.” David turned to Kim and said “Your turn again” Kim giggled and without even lifting her leg just started wiggling it. Kim's ass bounched and wobbled and her face turned red as she felt David's eyes on her. Shondra somewhat army crawled from her mat to Kim's and smacked her ass hard. Kim cried out “Oh!” and bit her bottom lip as Shondra said “You show off. That's what ya get.” David was turned on by Kim's British accent as much as he was by her ass getting slapped by Shondra. David said “Do it again Shondra.” Shondra said “With pleasure” and once again smacked Kim's ass causing Kim to go “Oh!”. David kneeled down beside Kim and said “That feel good?” Kim said “Yes....” and David asked “Can I do it?” He looked at Shondra who shrugged and said “Up to her.” Kim looked up and David and said “Well, get back there and smack my arse.” David shifted himself a bit, reared back and connected a big slap on her big fat bum. Kim closed her eyes and moaned “Oh...ohhhhh...” Shondra got to her knees and slapped Kim's ass as well as David said “Double trouble, smack dat ass.” David and Shondra both reared back and connected slaps on both of Kim's bum cheeks causing her to cry out “Ohhhhhh.” Kim finally spoke “Now it's Shondra's turn. My bum needs a rest.” David reached down and began rubbing Kim's ass as she said “Mmmmm, that feels good.” Shondra wobbled and jiggled as she turned herself around on her mat. David said “I've wanted to do this since high school, Shondra.”

Chapter 5

Kim turned herself around and David said “You do the honors, Kim.” Kim giggled and slapped Shondra's ass causing Shondra to go “mmmmmm.” Kim said “Your turn David, off you go.” David kneeled down and said “You sure this is okay?” Shondra nodded her head and said “Smack dat ass.” David reated back and connected on Shondra's double wide booty. David instantly felt a different sensation while Kim's was more firm, Shondra's was extra soft. Just like her belly, it was like spanking a marshmallow. Just like when they did it to Kim, Kim and David both connected with each of Shondra's booty cheeks and she said “mmmmmmm”. Kim said “Don't you like slapping such a wide bum, David” Shondra said “Hah, be jealous.” David reached down and started rubbing Shondra's booty up and down while saying to Kim “Wow, you're right, this ass is huge.” Shondra looked back over her shoulder and said “You love it David, don't lie.” David nodded his head and said “I do actually” David put his hands on Shondra's wide hips and wobbled her booty up and down and Shondra started giggling. Kim put his hands over David's and helped him as their eyes locked. Up close he looked at Kim and said “Your face is so beautiful.” Kim's face flushed and said “Thank you.” Shondra said “Hey back there, get to rubbin!” Kim and David jittered and went back to rubbing only Kim planted a big kiss on Shondra's left ass cheek. David replied by kissing her right one as Shondra looked back at him and said “You're such a kiss ass!” David laughed and said “Hey it was her idea.” Kim “Oh you haven't seen anything yet David, watch this.” Kim reached over and pulled Shondra's yoga pants down to expose her panty covered booty. Shondra's face flushed red and she said “Oh my god Kim you bitch!” Shondra couldn't reach back far enough to pull them back up as both Kim and David smacked her ass. When she finally got her pants back up and said “Oh you shouldn't have done that. Its YOUR turn Kim.” Kim's face turned to nervous and David played along and said “Yup, she's right, your turn.” Kim said “Um...I can't.” Shondra said “Tell him why, I don't think he knows.” David said “Why not?” Kim said “I'm not wearing any panties.” David said “I already know, I could tell when you guys were on all fours. Believe me, I'd know those things.” Shondra said “Not good enough” and bulled through David to knock Kim on her stomach. Kim said “Hey, what are you doing?” Shondra pinned Kim's arms down and said “David, pull em down.” Kim tried to resist but she was more laughing than she was angry as David slowly slid Kim's yoga pants down to expose her bare bum. David said “Holy moly now that is an arse.” Shondra said “Bet your husband wishes he was here now.” but David snapped up and said “Wait what?” David got to his feet as Shondra let up long enough for Kim to pull her pants up. David “You didn't tell me she was married.” Kim said “Yes, I should have.” Shondra said “Oh cut that out, you didn't seem to mind when ya were shakin ya ass around for David.” David “What about you, are you married?” Shondra said “Does it matter?” David replied “Yes it matters, I don't want to break up marriages.” Shondra laughed “Don't worry, you're not doing anything. Its been a while since we had some fun.” Kim rolled over onto her back and said “He doesn't like that I'm fat.” David “He doesn't? How could he not. Look at you two, you're gorgeous. Id rub both your bellies if I cou.....” David stopped midsentence as both Kim and Shondra looked at him with devilish eyes. Shondra said “Oh now you hafta, boy.” Kim said “Yup, get down here.” David said “Wait, I got an idea.” David pulled Shondra's mat directly next to Kim then his own next to Shondra's to create one big mat. He laid down next to Kim with his head on her shoulder and began to rub Kim's belly through her shirt. Kim said “Ohhhh that feels good. Do you like?” David said “I really do, you're plump and pretty Kim.” David admired the sensation he felt from rubbing Kim's belly, it was soft but still firm just like her bum was and it jiggled nicely to his touch. David was really getting turned on but still felt morally wrong so he wasn't going to do anything else. He then felt a tap on his shoulder and it was Shondra who was now laying on her back. David looked over and saw that Shondra had removed her t-shirt and was just laying in her sports bra. He admired her boob fat spilling out and her giant belly. She said “Get to rubbin, boy.” David could only smile as he descended down upon her.

Chapter 6

David slowly put his hands on Shondra's belly and his other around her head and he moaned. Just like her own booty, Shondra's belly was marshmallowy soft. Her whole body wobbled as David rubbed Shondra's belly and thighs. Shondra began to moan as David started to get rock hard. He rubbed her boobs, belly and thighs and her moans became more intense. Before anything else could happen, Kim said “Hey don't forget about me over here.” David composed himself and said “Good point, Shondra, scooch over to the middle so we can both enjoy this.” David got up and Shondra slid over to the middle as Kim draped her leg over Shondra's thigh and began rubbing Shondra's huge gut. Shondra put her arm around Kim's head and pulled her in and used her other arm to pull David in on the other side. Kim slid Shondra's yoga pants down and let her whole belly spill out. David whispered in Shondra's ear “You really got fat Shondra.” Shondra normally would say a sarcastic or smart ass remark but to David's surprise, she was so horny she could only say “Do you like that?” David nodded his head and kisses Shondra's chubby cheek. “It looks great on you, you're huge. How did you get so fat?” Shondra said “I was always over 300 pounds but the combination of the pandemic and Kim being my eating buddy got me this big. We just kept eating and I just kept getting fatter. My doctor says I needed to get some exercise which is why I hired you.” David “Well we can get back to work if you want, or I can keep....” Before he could answer Shondra reached up and pulled him in for a deep, long, kiss.” Kim said “Oh god” as Shondra and David kissed, their eyes closed. As they separated David said “I've always wanted to do that.” Kim then pulled Shondra's head and kissed her deeply herself.” David said “Damn Shondra, you got everyone wanting you.” As Kim pulled away, she and David continued rubbing Shondra's belly and thighs. Finally all three of them stopped moving and just laid there holding each other. David whispered “We need to do this more often.” Kim said “How much do we owe you?” David said “Free of charge....but next time, there's something we need to do.” Shondra said “What's that?” David whispered in Shondra's ear “Next time....I'm getting you both on the scale” and kissed Shondra deep. Kim giggled and said “Sounds like fun.” Shondra closed her eyes and smiled, wanting nothing more than to get even fatter for her two friends cuddled close with her. The next time David came over, she wanted to put on the show of a lifetime.

THE END....(for now)

Carnival of Carnage: 30 Years of Insane Clown Posse

 Whoop Whoop Juggalos! The Insane Clown Posse has been polarizing figures in the world of entertainment for four decades running and whether you love them or hate them, its hard to ignore their legacy that they left. For over 30 years the ICP has made their mark in the wrestling world, the music industry and even the horror world with their special brand of "horrorcore" music. Without ICP there would be no Twiztid, Blaze Ya Dead Homie and possibly no Eminem either. The always controversial Insane Clown Posse started their journey that could be traced back to 1989.

Without going into an in-depth chronicle of the entire history of the group, I do need to bring up the beginnings. Growing up in the ghetto of Detroit Michigan, Joseph "Violent J" Bruce, his older brother Robert "Jumpsteady" and a pair of brothers Joe "Shaggy 2 Dope" and John "John Kickjazz" Utsler were all fans of rap music rather than the predominantly featured hair metal of the late 1980's. Joe Bruce dropped out of school his freshman year and turned to gang life, calling his gang "Inner City Posse" while his older brother Robert enlisted in the US Military. Robert aided his brother by sending him army issued tear gas but things went south when their mother's house was attacked by a rival gang. Joe moved into a trailer park as a teenager in Bonnie Doone, North Carolina while Robert was stationed at Fort Bragg. It was there where the brothers encountered severe racism that later would factor into their records. Eventually Joe moved back home and decided to get out of the gang life. After reuniting with the Utsler brothers to go into independent wrestling under the tutelage of legendary Detroit wrestler Al Costello of The Fabulous Kangaroos, the trio tried their hand in music. The two Joes and John named themselves the JJ Boys and recorded the song Party At The Top of The Hill which is now the Holy Grail of ICP music since not even the guys themselves have copies of it. Eventually Joe Bruce learned that someone he knew named Dale Miettinen Jr had a karaoke machine that had instrumental tracks of popular songs at the time. Joe renamed himself Violent J while Dale became D-Lyrical and the music group "Inner City Posse" was born. Rapping over the known beats with their own lyrics, the ICP recorded their first "album" Intelligence & Violence when J was just 17 years old in 1989.

 

Who knew Joseph Bruce of the Inner City Posse would be a worldwide household name back in 1989?

With his wrestling career pretty much stalled due to the declining popularity of pro wrestling outside of the World Wrestling Federation (a story for another day), J got his own karaoke machine from his girlfriend at the time to record another "album" in 1990. This time D-Lyrical was barely featured in favor of the Utsler brothers. The 17 year old John was renamed John Kickjazz while 16 year old Joe was christened "2 Dope". The second cassette tape known as Bass-ment Cutz was the first one sold commercially in 1991 since Intelligence & Violence was handed out for free just to get them noticed. Robert Bruce was sent to Saudi Arabia to fight in the Gulf War but while he was stationed overseas, he told his brother to ask his friend who owned a record store named Alex Abbiss if he could be their manager. When Abbiss heard Bass-Ment Cutz he liked what he heard and established Psychopathic Records to get the group on a label. The ICP as we know it was slowly coming together but there was something missing at the time.

2 Dope, Violent J and John Kickjazz in 1991

What made the Inner City Posse a target of criticism was they were caught between a rock and hard place. White boys didn't do gangsta rap in 1991 which was dominated by the N.W.A, Ice Cube, Above The Law and Ice T by that point. Most white rappers were cheesy acts like Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch, Vanilla Ice and the mostly incoherent reggae rapper Snow (try to decipher Informer without looking it up). Not really cheesy but one hit wonder hip hop group House of Pain truthfully did manage a top ten hit with "Jump Around" but couldn't follow up.  Doing straight up gangsta rap was taboo for the trio but they trudged on as best they could. Their first release under the Psychopathic Records label would be the 4 track EP Dog Beats in February 1991. That's where the group grinded for everything they could including a hilarious story once told that the trio took turns dating hideous looking women (in their opinions) who worked at Kinkos just to get fliers made they could distribute for their local shows. While J was putting fliers on cars parked outside a heavy metal concert, one of the security guards punched him out which gave J his signature crooked nose he still has today. Radio stations refused to play their music when they realized they were white and not even Alex Abbiss could get their music nationally. Instead of giving up, a dream by Violent J changed everything in the middle of 1991. J's dream one night was of a demented clown running around Delray, Detroit and he suggested they change their name from the Inner City Posse to the Insane Clown Posse.

 

And they thought the Kinkos women looked unattractive? Check out this guy

Just like their rival Eminem (another story for another time) eventually was discovered by legendary rap producer Dr. Dre, the ICP needed their own mentor and rap music star to help them get noticed. One of the most well known Detroit rappers at the time was 19 year old Esham Smith aka Esham. What made him different was he didn't just rap about the usual topics his contemporaries used, but horror elements as well. Esham rapped about hell, Satan, horror and other psychotic topics that he himself called "acid rap". When Violent J handed him a copy of Dog Beats, Esham liked the potential of the group and would do his best to get them work or mention them to anyone he could.

 

Without Esham, there probably is no Insane Clown Posse

Although Violent J didn't want to rap about Satan as much as Esham would, he got a new direction for the group's lyrics from another dream he had. One night he dreamt that ghosts taking the form of a traveling carnival was coming to town. This became the basis of not only their first album, but most of their discography moving forward. The "Dark Carnival" saga was born and so was their first album Carnival of Carnage. J's horror inspired lyrics and themes came from the "Joker Card" which describes a specific entity that comes to warn the town in the album about their evil ways. The album kicks off with the intro narrated by J about the Carnival of Carnage coming to the listeners town to hold everyone accountable for their evil ways. In many ways Insane Clown Posse haters misunderstand the lyrics that even though they rap about violence against women and chopping heads off, they're doing it as a warning NOT to do that. Esham himself pitched in for the second track but said carnage wrong so J had to overdub himself. The third track inadvertently became a staple of their impending fanbase but was originally supposed to be the "Joker Card" called The Juggla. The Juggla was supposed to be a hatchet swinging clown that targeted racists, wife beaters and assorted trash but while performing the song live, J called fans "Juggalos". Juggalos and Juggalettes have been the official names of the fans ever since. Not only did Esham appear on the album but so did Robert Bruce who was back from the Persian Gulf. Now known as Jumpsteady, Robert was featured on the final track "Taste" along with Esham, a longtime friend of J's named Nate The Mack and Russian president Boris Yeltsin...just kidding. The final guy was Capitol E on the last track. A special guest on the track Is That You? would be a 21 year old aspiring rapper named Robert Ritchie. Don't recognize that name? How about his stage name KID ROCK? That's right, a young Kid Rock who many claim worked harder than Eminem and ICP to get to the top did a duet with Violent J although he showed up to the recording session drunk off his ass. To show that he wasn't as bad as he seemed, Kid returned the following day sober to re-record his parts and even though 2 Dope didn't like him as a person, he respected Rock for being professional enough to come back sober. One funny story ICP tells is Kid Rock asked how much Esham was paid to be on the album and they said 500 dollars. Kid Rock said to give him SIX hundred and he'd do Is That You? for them. 2 Dope later said they should have lied and said Esham did it for 150.

 

Nothing says Insane Clown Posse like...Kid Rock?

One of the concepts of the album was judging those that committed sins on a daily basis including racism. As mentioned earlier, the Bruce brothers experienced racism first hand when they were in North Carolina and epitomized their loathing on Carnival of Carnage. Although Violent J carried the load for the most part lyrically throughout the album, the Utsler brothers were featured in two tracks tackling racism head on in Red Neck Hoe and Fuck Your Rebel Flag. One of J's battle cries on The Juggla was "Fuck the south". Amazing how a horrorcore rap group that specializes in lopping off body parts for fun doesn't tolerate racism but hey, at least they have SOME morals. To this day the ICP condemns domestic violence and racism while continuing to point out the lyrics are for entertainment, not to be taken seriously. So how did Carnival of Carnage do commercially when all was said and done? It sold a whopping 17 copies its first day on October 19, 1992 and that number ended up being a running joke moving forward. The sad note was John Kickjazz left the group after the album was completed and after a failed experiment by having a fan be on their next EP to replace Kickjazz (which ironically was the plot of the movie Rockstar with Marky Mark himself), 2 Dope and J continued on as a duo. One has to wonder what would have been if Kickjazz stayed and its a shame that he passed away in 2015 at the age of 42 years old.

 

RIP John Kickjazz

Without rambling on about the career of ICP, their legacy to this day is still controversial. Because Juggalos are some of the most loyal fans to a fault and the nature of the Insane Clown Posse's lyrics, they're bound to have some bad apples. Well the apples were apparently bad enough that the Federal Bureau of Investigation foolishly classified Juggalos as a legitimate gang and wanted by the government.  The logo for Psychopathic Records has always been a tiny man with a meat cleaver and the FBI deemed that their gang symbol. That doesn't stop the ICP or their fans from having a weeklong Woodstock like event called The Gathering of the Juggalos every year. Fans that attended this year got a copy of what could be ICP's last single "The Hunt for Big Smoke". Violent J is semi-retired now at the age of 50 after years of heart related problems while the 48 year old Shaggy 2 Dope still performs nationally as a solo most of the time. It all goes back to 1992 when Esham, Alex Abbiss and producer Mike Clark took a chance on the Insane Clown Posse with Carnival of Carnage. To this day some of the songs such as Night of The Axe, The Juggla and Fuck Your Rebel Flag still hold up and their good friend Dr. Phil (yes of course I'm serious) vouches for all the good work they've done to set people straight despite their image. Love them or hate them, their impact the last 30 years can't be ignored. So give one last Whoop Whoop! for the family, and come one, come all for the Carnival of Carnage.

 

Look out FBI!

Top 5 Unsung New England Patriots

Since 2001 The New England Patriots have been a dynasty. They've won four Superbowls, been to six, had an undefeated regular season and have boasted Hall of Fame talent on offense, defense and special teams. The Patriots have had 3 constants throughout their success, owner Bob Kraft, head coach Bill Bellichick and quarterback Tom Brady. Along the way they've had special players, coaches and front office staff that paved the way for this incredible 16 year run. The names are a who's who in Patriots lore. Tedy Bruschi, Ty Law, Richard Seymour, Mike Vrabel, Willie Mcginnest, Lawyer Milloy, Rodney Harrison, Rob Gronkowski, Randy Moss, Julian Edelman, Matt Light, Logan Mankins, Dan Koppen, Corey Dillon and on and on. 

There are some players who's contributions have been lost to history. Whether they had just one moment in the sun or it wasn't heavily covered by the media, some players contributed to championships or special moments that people seem to have forgotten. These 5 guys seem to get no credit at all for championship teams they were apart of so its time to pay tribute to them.

5. Jonas Gray

 The only one on this list who's contribution was not during the playoffs but his contribution was definitely significant. Jonas Gray was originally signed as a rookie free agent by the Miami Dolphins following the 2012 draft. He suffered a knee injury in college and was unable to contribute to the Dolphins that season. The following year was spent rotting on the Baltimore Ravens practice squad. In 2014 he was on the Patriots practice squad when he was activated against the New York Jets. His one moment in the sun came against the Indianapolis Colts and their pathetic run defense. Using an extra offensive lineman to pound the ball, Gray rushed for 201 yards and four touchdowns as the Patriots thrashed the Colts 42-20. Gray became an instant star and made the cover of Sports Illustrated for his effort. Unfortunately for Gray, his shooting star crashed and burned as fast as it rose. The following week after the Colts game Gray was reportedly late for a team meeting and Belichick put him in the doghouse. He never got out as he was inactive for most of the rest of the season and was released in training camp the following year. He's bounced around on practice squads ever since. The Patriots used the blueprint in that Indy game and literally used the same exact gameplan in that season's AFC Championship game in a rematch with the Colts. LeGarrette Blount ran over the Colts to aid the Patriots to a 45-7 massacre that sent them to Superbowl. So even though his time in the spotlight was short, it sure was memorable even if it was for one week.


4. Josh Boyce

Misinformed NFL fans like to whine that the Patriots "cheat" to maintain their success year after year after year. The real reason to any of those uninformed termites reading this is quite frankly Belichick's 35-53 on the roster is better than yours. Belichick knows an NFL season is pure attrition. Injuries are part of the game and every year somebody is going to go down. Belichick is always three steps ahead by putting together a bottom of the roster rotation that can step in and contribute at any time. Not only that, he puts as much emphasis on the Practice Squad and practice itself as he does the main roster plus any regular season game. That's where Josh Boyce made his mark during the historic 2014 season.  Boyce was a 4th round draft pick in 2013 and he only made 9 catches before being placed on IR with a bad foot. The following year he was on the practice squad until Alfonzo Dennard was placed on IR and he was activated to the main roster in December 2014. His big moment came not in a game, but in practice during Superbowl 49 week. Playing the role of Ricardo Lockette, Boyce beat cornerback Malcolm Butler on a goal line pass that the Seattle Seahawks eventually ran in the Superbowl. Belichick told the rookie corner to get aggressive and make a beeline for the ball. Sure enough in Superbowl 49, the Seahawks got down to the 1 yard line with 45 seconds left and ran the exact same play the Patriots practiced during the week. This time Butler stepped in front of the real Lockette, intercepted the ball and sealed the victory for New England. All of that happened in some part due to Boyce being in the right place and the right time in practice in order for Butler to learn from it. That was it for Boyce in terms of production as he suffered a training camp injury in 2015 and missed the whole season. One of 19 guys that were on IR by the end of the year. So for the Patriots haters that can't imagine why they win year after year, look at Boyce. The guy barely played yet did his job in practice which led to a Superbowl victory.


3. Damon Huard

Its one thing to pull a Josh Boyce and be in the right place at the right time in practice once. Its another to be a quintessential practice player and peacemaker for 3 full seasons knowing you may never see the field. What Damon Huard accomplished from 2001-03 won't be on a stat sheet but anyone on the team those years will tell you just how important he was. Damon was signed as an undrafted rookie out of Washington U (teammates with future Patriots Lawyer Milloy and Cam Cleeland) by Cincinnati in 1996. He made his name as Dan Marino's top backup from 1997-2000 in Miami including a big win in 1999 over the Patriots that helped Miami make the playoffs that year. After Miami decided to go with Jay Fiedler following the 2000 season, Huard signed with the Patriots expecting to be backup to Drew Bledsoe. What no one saw coming but a select few was the rise of Tom Brady. Brady and Huard went head to head for the backup job in the 2001 pre-season with Brady winning. Bill Belichick even admitted that Brady had played better than Bledsoe but kept Bledsoe the starter because of Tom's inexperience. Then came Week 2 when New York Jets linebacker Mo Lewis put Drew Bledsoe in the hospital and Tom Brady became the stater. This is where Huard earned his money by simultaneously guiding Brady and calming down Bledsoe who never got his job back. Huard and Bledsoe kept things private to not cause a team distraction even after Belichick emphatically named Brady the starter going forward. Following the Patriots Superbowl 36 victory over the St Louis Rams, the Patriots traded Bledsoe to Buffalo and drafted quarterback Rohan Davey. For the next two seasons, once again Huard played the role of scout team QB and mentor to both Brady and Davey. His biggest contribution came in practice the week leading up to the AFC Championship Game against the Indianapolis Colts. Huard was assigned to imitate Peyton Manning including every idiosyncratic movement and gibberish coming out of his mouth. After the Patriots dispatched Manning and the Colts to win their second AFC crown in 3 years, Belichick gave the game ball to Huard for his role as Manning during the week. After another Superbowl victory over the Panthers, Huard moved on to the Kansas City Chiefs for the next 5 seasons, achieving marginal success. Still, for playing peacemaker, mentor, scout team QB and acting like Peyton Manning, Huard definitely did everything he was asked to do and more.


2. Sterling Moore

Unlike the previous 3 guys, Sterling Moore's contribution came during an actual playoff game on a pretty big stage. A lot of sport success stories have an obscure player making one little contribution to a championship winning team. Had Malcolm Butler not turned into a pro-bowl cornerback the last two seasons, he'd be the epitome of that with his Superbowl 49 interception. Little used Glenn McDonald coming off the bench for the Boston Celtics to help win a crucial NBA Finals game, little known Buster Douglas knocking out the previously unbeatable Mike Tyson, and little used Timmy Smith's 200 yards rushing in Superbowl 22. Sterling Moore was signed by the Oakland Raiders as an undrafted rookie in 2011 but was cut before the season started. He was signed to the Patriots practice squad for most of the regular season until late December. He managed 2 picks in a Week 17 win over Buffalo but his moment of glory came in the AFC Championship game against Baltimore. Leading 23-20 but with Baltimore driving in the Red Zone, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco found Lee Evans in the end-zone with 25 seconds left but Moore heroically slapped the ball out of Lee's hands at the last second. Moments later, Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff missed a 32 yard field goal which sent the Patriots to Superbowl 46. Moore didn't make any radical plays in Superbowl 46 and returned to the practice squad the following year until he was signed by the Dallas Cowboys. He's bounced around since then but he'll be known for making that one big play that sent the Patriots to Superbowl 46.


1. Antwan Harris

Unlike the previous four, Harris didn't have just one moment in the sun. He had several that seem to be overlooked as the years go by. Harris was drafted in the 6th round of the 2000 draft just 12 slots ahead of Tom Brady. He was a backup safety to Lawyer Milloy and Tebucky Jones in 2000-01 before becoming an unexpected factor in the 2001 post-season. His first big moment came in the AFC Championship Game in Pittsburgh. Trailing 14-3 in the 3rd quarter, the Steelers lined up for a field goal only for it to be blocked. Patriots receiver Troy Brown picked up the ball and ran for the opposite end-zone. When Steelers defenders caught up to Troy, he looked to his left and saw Harris running alone next to him. Brown lateraled to Harris as he went down and Antwan took it to the house for a touchdown and a 21-3 Patriots lead. New England held on to win 24-17 and advance to Superbowl 36. Harris wasn't done yet in the post-season. Late in the second quarter of the Superbowl against the St Louis Rams, Harris popped Rams receiver Ricky Proehl forcing him to fumble. The Patriots recovered and Tom Brady found receiver David Patten in the end-zone for a touchdown. The Patriots went on to win 20-17 for their first world championship. While Harris never made another huge impact like that again, he maintained his reserve role for the following 3 seasons, including starting opposite Rodney Harrison in the 2003 season opener after Lawyer Milloy was cut. Harris picked up two more rings in 2003 and 2004 before moving on to the Cleveland Browns in 2005. So for Antwan to be the only 3 time ring winner on this list...that makes him Number 1.

There's been hundreds of players that came to Foxborro from 2001 to the present and there are much more than 5 guys that have contributed to Superbowl championships and AFC crowns. These 5 men embrace the motto of "Do Your Job" even if their runs were very brief in the timeline. Patriots fans are spoiled with four championships, 6 Superbowl appearances and 14 Division titles in 16 years, so the littany of players is much more broad than a team like the New Orleans Saints that's won just one Superbowl in their 50 year history. There's also been some folk heroes such as Danny Woodhead and Earthwind Moreland, scrappy players like Ben Jarvis Green Ellis, countless offensive lineman who's best work aren't on the stat sheet and even infamous players such as Aaron Hernandez and Albert Haynesworth. Still, for these 5 to jump out of a crowd even if for a brief moment, they deserve recognition.

Bloodsport's 30 Fighters Ranked

Ah Bloodsport. One of the most iconic martial arts movies ever has been seen as a cheesy 80's classic but more importantly, a pioneer for the rise of world kickboxing. One of the selling points of the movie was the full contact Kumite where fighters from around the world put their lives on the line for a shiny sword. Most Americans would think that's preposterous but honor is very big in the East. Featured in the movie were 30 fighters (out of what possibly could have been 200 since guys had multiple fights) of varying degree of screen time and skill set. This kind of list has been done before but either with total humor or certain bias.

The fighters will be ranked on 3 important features.  1. What day they were on, 2. How many blows they landed and 3. How far they went in the Kumite. Number 2 is important because how can we tell if someone's good if they don't do shit? There were several of those guys that will be at the bottom of the list but then we weed them out with 1 and 3. Now people can make fun of them for their performance in a ficticious movie, but nearly every single one of them most likely could have taken our heads off rather easily. So with that, let's begin the top 30.


30. Last Montage Guy

I know what you're saying, who the hell is this guy? I don't know either. That still frame you see is virtually the only frame you see of this guy in the whole movie. Why is he dead last? He throws the lamest looking off the mark punch at Chong Li in recorded history and is dispatched with one kick. How is this worse than anyone else coming up? Chong Li was booked to be the undefeated, cold blooded killer that's killed before and has never lost a fight. If you're up against him and THAT'S the kind of punch you throw, that earns you a one way ticket to last place. How the hell did this guy impress the judges to get into this thing?


29. Sadiq Hossein

Like I said, the only reason he isn't dead last is the guy who is dead last is even more incompetent than Hossein. This guy was the perfect first act heel as a pain in the ass to Frank Dux. When it came time for them to brawl, it turned out Hossein sucked far worse at fighting than he was at closing his hand. Hossein's initial attack was to swing at Frank, but Frank countered by grabbing Hossein's arm. Frank must have Pikachu like electric currents running through his veins because Hossein stopped dead in his tracks. After a few basic chops, Hossein went down. Frank leaned over with his fist cocked and Hossein played dead. I can see if Frank was holding a gun or a knife to him but the mere presence of his fist was enough to scare Hossein shitless. If that wasn't bad enough Hossein tried a sneak attack and his stealth fail not only cost him the fight but his gold tooth as well. Other fighters on this list were only seen in one frame, but they couldn't have possibly been this pathetic.


28. Tsu-Hin

Known more commonly as "Jazzy Jeff" to younger fans and "Ed Norton" to older bastards like myself, this guy's claim to fame is wearing one of the finest looking suits in the whole Kumite. Unfortunately, he's so low on this list by being thrown off the platform by the virtual skill-less Ray Jackson. When an out of shape oaf like Jackson tosses you off a platform with relative ease, its time to retire. Once again, how the hell did he get into the Kumite when Frank Dux had to smash bricks with his bare palm?


27. Henrik Wesslen

Yes, that is the ONLY frame of the movie where this pencil neck is featured fighting. Despite his impressive looking silk pajamas, the non-impressed Pumola put him away with a backbreaker that would have made Kevin Nash give the thumbs up. Once again if that's the ONLY frame in which to showcase this guy, you definitely deserve to be in the bottom of the pecking order.


26. Newspaper Coverboy

A lot of these fighters are ranked at the bottom for having almost zero screen time, and that's mostly an editing thing. Still, we can only judge what we see and the only frame of this guy we see is him getting knocked senseless by Paco. Someone else made the joke that if there was actual press covering the event (and I don't mean Janice), the still frame of this would have made the front page. So for having newspaper quality facial features saved this turd from being ranked worse. Extra extra, Paco Wins Easy Fight!


25. Elbow To The Head Guy

Once again this is the only frame we see this guy in. Why is he here and not lower or higher? Chaun Ip Mung has all his clothes on for this fight. He doesn't have the gold gi top on in any other fight he's in. So for the simple fact that Chaun Ip Mung didn't feel it was necessary to disrobe completely, he must have known this guy was no threat. He was right.


24. Frank's Last First Day Opponent

This poor fellow had the unenviable task of going up against Frank Dux and fell victim to a series of kicks. Why is he here and not lower on the list? The other guys were completely pathetic but at least this guy took a few kicks before going down. Once again we have no idea how a good a fighter he really was since the only frame we saw was him getting plastered by Frank.


23. No Takedown Defense Dude

I said earlier that the important thing to judge a fighter's worth is what day they were eliminated on. Most everyone who fought during the second day had to win at least a few matches to get to that point. However this guy's Day 2 performance was inexcusable. Chong Li literally took the guy down with absolutely no resistance. A wrestler would have at least wizered and any other martial artist would have kicked or punched downward. Even a street fighter could have rolled through that. Nope, not this guy. For that alone he belongs here, lower than some guys eliminated the first day.


22. Mouthguard

I know what you're thinking, if the first guy on the list was pathetic for throwing a pathetic punch, didn't this guy do the same thing? Absolutely, the only difference was at least this was on target, Chong Li just blocked it like the outstanding fighter that he is. This guy was actually smart enough to wear a mouthguard, unlike that idiot Hossein who's knocked out tooth paid for Jimmy the Janitor's vacation in the Cayman Islands shortly after the Kumite.


21. Archer

And now we get to the guys that actually landed a punch or two. This guy here was matched up against Ricardo Morra in the first round and managed to knock him down with a low kick. Then inexplicably he took a swing two feet over Ricardo's head and was defeated shortly thereafter. You have to be pretty incompetent to take a swing at your eye level when your opponent is damn near on the ground.


20. Steve Daw

Why isn't Steve here lower than Archer since he never actually landed a blow? Because Archer made a stupid mistake. Daw here just happened to fall victim to Paco in the first round. He's also this low because he looked scared out of his mind while Jackson was threatening Chong Li during his fight with Asshole (see later). Although he did do a standing backflip so at least he gets style points to go with his broken nose courtesy of Paco.


19. Reale

This Marc Summers lookalike contest winner had some style points for his neon blue karate pants but unfortunately his mode of attack on Toon Ip Mung was to try to stomp on the guys toes. If Moe Howard is your Kumite trainer, you know you're not gonna last long and Toon soon dispatched him. Maybe Marc Summers himself would have stood a better chance.


18. Joao Gomez

Once again we go outside the first day in favor of Gomez here. Why? Because Frank Dux broke his own fucking world record by dispatching this guy in 5 seconds flat. The fight starts with this menacing looking fella flexing and giving the slit throat sign, trying to intimidate Frank Dux. The dude is imposing enough, but Dux spinkicks and rolling jump kicks him off the platform in record time.


17. Budiman Prang

At least Archer dropped Monkey Man, so why is he much lower than Prang? Well Prang had the distinction of being the equivalent of Jay Uso entering number 1 at the Royal Rumble when the equivalent of Triple H was number 2. Prang had a jacked body and a great look but he was matched up against Chong Li and the poor guy was dispatched in world record time. Maybe if he had a different opponent, he wouldn't have looked as sad as he did. Better luck next time Prang.


16. Gustafson

This sad sack's training method was jumping through boards in the beginning of the movie. Maybe that's all he was good for as he stumbled and bumbled in his matchup against Chong Li. Still, making the second day is nothing to sneeze at, it just would have been nice to explain how he got there and have him get some kind of offense in. Then again, he was fighting Chong Li while wearing MC Hammer pants. The weight of the pants most likely negated his board breaking jumping offense. No wonder Chong Li had an easy time with him.


15. Sen Ling

Most put him much lower on the list because he was dropped in the first match of the Kumite, but he got in some shots against Suan Parades who got in some shots against Chong Li.  That's like saying you dated the cousin of the cousin who's friends with the hair stylist of Kim Kardashian. Still, Parades wiped him out pretty quick and Ling ended up being buried under a mound of gambling slips. If I were Suan Parades, I would have ran off the platform, gathered all the slips and autographed them for the sorry bastards that bet against him in that fight.


14. Asshole

This poor boy should be much lower on the list but isn't for two distinct reasons. He's arguably the youngest fighter on the list and most likely had to sneak into the Kumite wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. Also, he was doing well against Ray Jackson until backing off for some inane reason. Most likely he saw one of the Special Ladies in the crowd. Jackson then went into Dragon Rage by knocking this guy cold, breaking his nose and threatening to kill Chong Li who had nothing to do with the fight at all. Unfortunately we never got this dude's name, only that Jackson called him an asshole. What a mean old bastard that Jackson was, beating up the underaged and all.


13. Orange Gi Guy

Deviating from the previous rules, Orange Gi guy is here despite landing no offense. He had a great look and lasted until the second day of the Kumite, unlike most of the others before him. He was matched up against Frank Dux so not much could be done there. Maybe he would have fared better against someone else.


12. Jackson Ng Yuk-Sue

This guy here has some funny trivia attached. He apparently was a legitimate badass martial arts master in real life and the movie director gave him strict orders to go easy on Jean Claude Van Damme while filming. This alone puts him a cut above the other no name fighters on this list, especially if he could legitimately beat the crap out of half the field.


11. Ray Jackson

In terms of fighting skills, Jackson should be at the very bottom. He's a big, clumsy, out of shape oaf who has no skill other than pure power. He can throw guys off platforms and break the nose of underage youths no problem, but put him against Paco, Chong Li or Frank Dux and he's in trouble. Still, you have to give to Ray for making the quarterfinals and having Chong Li on the run. Still, his buffoonery cost him the match and nearly his life by beginning the fight running at Chong Li and screaming. You're against the most dangerous fighter in the world who's undefeated plus killed someone, and your mode of attack is run at him yelling like a maniac? Jackson did manage to drop Chong Li with an axehandle smash but then decided to pull the goosebrained stunt of stopping to chant his name to the crowd. Chong Li could only shake his head while he curbstomped him on his way to the semi-finals.


10. Hung Chi-Sing

Once again you may be asking how a Day 1 fighter could be ranked his high on the list and the answer is he had a great look, fighting style and really put on a show against Chaun Ip Mung. This guy could probably wipe out Jackson and most of the guys in the bottom 10 but just fell victim to a bad matchup. Better luck next time tattoo guy.


9. Little Engine That Could

As we reach the top 10 we now enter the best of the best territory. This guy unfortunately was never named but won our hearts with his performance. Despite standing what looks to be 5 foot 2, this little engine that could brawled his way to the second day and gave Chaun Ip Mung a run for his money before being ultimately defeated. Still, getting that far is nothing to sneeze at so the little fella deserves a lot of praise.


8. Toon Ip Mung

Toon was the training partner of Chaun Ip Mung and did well for himself, surviving the first day. Unfortunately he ran into the buzzsaw known as Paco on Day 2 and suddenly switched his fighting style. After wiping out Reale on Day 1 with Tae Kwan Do, he switched to.....to...I don't know what the hell that stance was but it sure as hell didn't work. His repeated attempt for a spinning back punch was ducked and counter punched by Paco twice, leading to his demise. Still, making it to Day 2 and having a killer look makes him a top 10 fighter.


7. Ricardo Morra

The infamous monkey man. His unique style may have been fun to laugh at but his opponents quickly found out he was no laughing matter. After dispatching Archer on the first day, he fought his way to the sweet sixteen where he met his match against Pumola. Still, to make it to the sweet sixteen with a monkey fighting style puts him a cut above the other lameasses on this list.


6. Suan Parades

Clumsy editing is the reason why Parades was shown early on Day 2 instead of the sweet sixteen where he actually was. After all, in the movie after Parades gets his leg snapped, you can see him sitting in the crowd as the montage continued. Clumsy editing aside, the real life friend of Jean Claude Van Damme and top heel in Kickboxer probably would have wiped out more than just Sen Ling if he was matched up against anyone else besides Chong Li. Even then, Parades got a few shots in and gave Dux the inside track on where Li's weakspots were. Too bad his shinbone got snapped like a piece of plywood but that's the risk you take when you enter the Kumite.


5. Pumola

This big giant sumo made a huge impression by strong arming his way into the quarterfinals against Frank Dux. The big fella wiped out most of the field with his immense size and had Frank on the run throughout their fight. Due to a shady sucker punch to the gonads by Dux, Pumola was ultimately defeated. Making the quarterfinals and nearly taking out the eventual champion puts him in the top 5 for sure. It would have been interesting to see him against Ray Jackson....a true Godzilla vs King Kong storyline.


4. Chaun Ip Mung

Now we got the four semi-finalists that made it to Day 3. Chaun Ip Mung was unfortunately the victim of Chong Li's personal vendetta against Frank Dux and his death was mourned by all in the arena....for about 5 minutes until the Finals started. Still, Chaun fought hard by eliminating at least 3 opponents on the way to the semi-finals and gave Chong Li a run for his money. His bell ringer had Chong dazed but he stopped to clap his hands in celebration which allowed Chong Li to gather himself and finish the ass kicking. Did he learn nothing from Ray Jackson's gaffe the previous day? It would have been interesting to see Chaun fight Dux or Paco in the semi's, especially Paco since Paco was the one who knocked his partner Toon out of the Kumite. Still, the honorable mention goes to Chaun Ip Mung may he rest in piece.


3. Paco

The Muay Thai oriented Paco has become the cult favorite in the 30 years since this movie came out. The legitimate muay thai master put on arguably the second best heel performance after Chong Li and his bad attitude really aided his fighting style to establish him as a badass. His semi-final match with Frank lit up the crowd for Day 3 and his demolishing of the competition showed that he belonged in the final four. It would have been fun to see him and Chong Li try to out-heel each other, but Paco should be thankful he got matched up against Frank. After all, Chong Li would have killed Paco instead. Congrats Paco, you win the bronze medal.


2. Chong Li

The ultimate badass and the movie's top heel. The undefeated (until the end) grand champion of the Kumite, Chong Li. The 49 year old defied age and time by wiping out nearly the entire field with little resistance along the way. Only 3 guys were able to land any kind of offense on him and two of them were only minor annoyances. Still, for someone pushing 50 to be the runner up in a full contact Kumite would put him on most guy's number 1 list. Not here though, he didn't win it. I don't know what Chong Li would have done with the sword had he won, it wasn't like he needed it to snap legs or kill people. He may not have won the sword, but he sure as hell deserved to win the silver medal on our list.


1. Frank Dux

Jean Claude Van Damme himself would have been knocked flat according to Frank Dux himself....or so he says. Frank plows through the competition with relative ease, only running into resistance from Pumola, Paco and Chong Li himself. After using shady tactics to dispatch Paco, he dropped Paco after a kicking contest and was graciously provided all the time he needed to make the big comeback against Chong Li. With the cheesy victory over Chong Li, Frank won the coveted sword for his Shidoshi, thus capping off an incredible week where he won the Kumite, got laid, went AWOL from the army and beat up Chinese police with no repercussions. So for that, we salute Frank Dux, our number 1 fighter.

So that wraps up the 30 Bloodsport fighters. If the movie was 20 minutes longer with extended fight scenes, the list would have been even better. Can only imagine was left on the cutting room floor. Just one last thing......Haji....HAJIME!!!!

The Top 5 Banned Pokemon Episodes

Kids love Pokemon but network bigwigs did not like 5 particular episodes to a certain extent. Most episodes push the envelope of violence anyway with Pokemon battling each other but parents and network alike felt that five of them deserved to be pulled for one reason or another. The reasons for these episodes vary and some are open for debate, so we'll start from the least offensive to the most offensive. Remember these cartoons were designed for children so any adult reading this has to bear that in mind.

Number 5: The Tower of Terror

The first two on the list were pulled for the exact same reason but for entirely different content. This episode is nothing to shake your fist at in terms of offensiveness The story is Ash, Misty and Brock stumble upon a haunted house run by Gastly, Haunter and Gengar that pull pranks on their terrorized guests. In the end Ash realizes that they only want friends to play with and he convinces Haunter to come with him to help him win a badge, isn't that a happy ending? The episode itself wasn't the reason it was pulled but for the title. As with Number 4 on the list, Tower of Terror was temporarily pulled from American syndication due to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. While Tower of Terror has nothing to do with terrorism in the storyline, the name supposedly triggered New Yorkers who were suffering in the aftermath of the attacks. So until the heat died down, Tower of Terror was temporarily shelved. Nowadays the episode has been restored in syndication. This is the perfect segue into why Number 4 was pulled.


Number 4: Tentacool and Tentacruel

Also banned following the September 11th attacks was this hard hitting episode. The story is Ash, Misty and Brock encounter a batshit crazy lady that's building a resort vacation spa but had to drive herds of Tentacool and Tentacruel out of their homes to do it. The natives are very upset with the interlopers and decide to fight back by destroying the city in retaliation, taking Meowth as a hostage to survey their message ala Brent Spiner in Independence Day. Tentacruel is actually referred to as the "gangster of the sea". The story has a happy ending where Ash convinces Tentacruel to stop the carnage if they're allowed to keep their homes. After the September 11th attacks, network bigwigs felt the episode was too close to home to fans that suffered through the attacks and seeing buildings destroyed was not in their best interests. Just like Tower of Terror, this episode was temporarily pulled from American syndication. It has also been restored to syndication in the many years since.

Now the first two episodes were a victim of bad timing, the next 3 were more notorious and a lot more controversial which led to their banishment.



Number 3: Beauty and the Beach

This controversial episode is the most sexually oriented one of the series. The story is Ash, Misty and Brock hit up the beach for a good time but tear up a restaurant that they now have to pay for. How do they pay for it? Misty has to win a BIKINI CONTEST in order to pay off the restaurant owner. If that wasn't bad enough, ASH'S MOM is one of the contestants along with the dastardly Jessie and James of Team Rocket....yes, JAMES of Team Rocket. Now this episode was recorded in Japan and was brought over to American television to be redubbed except for one infamous scene. In the Japenese version, Misty confronts Jessie and James in the back and James BOUNCES HIS INFLATABLE TITS AROUND much to Misty's dismay. In the American version, this scene is cut but its still available in the Japanese version. Obviously you can see why this episode is rarely played on American television and why the inflatible tits scene was never dubbed in English. As adults, the episode features no nudity, bad language or gore so we don't think much of it, but this was a children's show so bikini contests and inflatible tits isn't exactly what you want your child to see.

Now while Beauty and the Beach had a scene removed, the final two episodes were flat out never released in the US or dubbed in English. The next two episodes are up for debate in terms of what's more offensive or damaging. Both of them were rightfully pulled from television and for entirely different reasons. In my own opinion, I chose what I chose as Number 2 for a reason I'll get into in just a moment, but again, its up for debate.


Number 2: Electric Soldier Pokemon

The infamous Porygon episode is actually nothing to complain about in terms of the storyline. Ash, Misty and Brock endure the virtual reality world to assist Porygon into defeating Team Rocket. Nothing overly offensive here, but that's not the issue. The issue was in one scene Pikachu rips a thunderbolt that causes strobe effects. The strobe effects caused a legitimate SIX HUNDRED children to be hospitalized due to epileptic seizures. Obviously with that kind of backlash in Japan, the episode was never released to American audiences. This one is a no brainer on why it was pulled, people really did suffer seizures.

Now you can debate whether this or Number 1 is worse, but I'll pick Number 1 for one reason. I myself do not suffer epileptic seizures so I was able to safely watch the episode with no consequence. My wife also watched the episode no problem. Now obviously a lot of people WOULD suffer seizures from this, but not everyone. If certain people are unaffected, it obviously can't be considered the worst or most offensive. Which leads us to Number 1.....


Number 1: The Legend of Dratini.

Bad timing, suggestive sexual content and possible seizures can be debated on whether or not the episode should be banned or not, but this one there is no debate at all. The story begins innocently enough with Ash, Brock and Misty singing and dancing through the Safari Zone for your enjoyment. Isn't that lovely? Well the enjoyment turns to terror when the Warden of the Zone PULLS A FUCKING GUN ON THEM. If that wasn't bad enough, the Warden soon POINTS HIS FUCKING GUN AT ASH'S HEAD....but wait there's more! The reason the Warden is so unfriendly is he's guarding a legendary Dratini. Team Rocket gets wind of this and while Ash, Misty and Brock are wandering around, they take the Warden hostage and James POINTS THE WARDEN'S GUN AT THE WARDEN'S HEAD.....WHILE MEOWTH IS DRESSED AS ADOLPH HITLER!!! You can debate this or Porygon as the most deserving to be banned, but I go with this one for usage of guns and Meowth dressed as arguably the most evil mind of the 20th century.


There's also another way to grade these episodes and that's by asking "Would I let my children watch this?" In terms of most offensive, Electric Soldier Porygon and Tower of Terror don't belong on the list at all. If your kids don't suffer from seizures, the Porygon episode is nothing to scream at. Tower of Terror also had nothing overly offensive for the kiddies. These two were banned for different reasons but are not overly offensive. Number 3 would be Tenacool and Tentacruel. Cartoon violence is a given in most action shows, and while the episode does go over the top with city destruction, it does have a teachable message for children. Much like how Native Americans were driven off their land by settlers, the Tentacool and Tentacruel were driven off by batshit crazy lady only to return for revenge. You can watch the episode with children and educate them on legitimate history. That leaves Legend of Dratini and Beauty and the Beach. Would you let your children watch either episode? If the James scene is included, that's a big fat NO! After all, cartoon violence is a given but what in the name of God possessed the writers of a children's show to put big bouncy, barely concealed breasts into a script? Still, concealed breasts and suggestive themes fail in comparison to Meowth dressed as Hitler and guns pointed at people. Would you let your kids watch that? Most likely not.

So there you have the top 5 banned episodes and two different ways to grade them. Whether they have offensive content, were a victim of bad timing or put you in the hospital, they all had something that network executives and parents didn't want you to see. You've been warned.