CHAPTER 1
Professor Herkimer Lagass was having a wonderful dream about his wife Yone wearing a gold bikini and giving him a lapdance. Yone was 4'11 and 130 pounds of Dominican beauty while Herkimer was a 5'8 300 pound fat guy that just happened to be exactly what she was looking for in a husband. Yone was grinding her heavenly hips and booty up on him before she turned around and wrapped her arms around his big fat neck. Suddenly she started licking his face and it confused him greatly. All of a sudden he woke from the dream to find his dog Ralphus licking his face to wake him up. "Oh dammit, Ralphus! Really? Shoo...shoo!" Ralphus jumped off the bed as Herkimer rubbed his face and ended up rolling halfway off the bed, barely catching himself on the nightstand while saying "Woahhhhh." From downstairs he heard Yone say in her thick Dominican accent "Su bueno, papi???" Herkimer said "Yes, yes....I'm fine. Damn dog." Herkimer rolled out of bed and stretched while yawning....hearing the unmistakable sound of his pants ripping in the process. "Dammit all to heck!" He said as he checked the giant gap in his thighs. "That's the second time in three weeks!" He quickly shed his pajama pants and top and stood in front of the mirror in his underwear. He had a huge belly that his moobs rested on and a big double chin. He said "At least Yone loves me." He then started getting dressed in his work suit.
He was a history professor at Big Island University, home of the Kincaid dynasty. His dress shirt clung to his big belly and his dress pants seemed to be suffering the same fate as his pajamas. As he put on his tie the dog rushed between his legs chasing a ball which caused him to nearly choke himself with the tie knot. He said "Blarghghhhhh, cough cough, what's with you Ralphus?" He struggled to put his socks on and was actually sweating as he put his shoes on. He then waddled down the stairs and into the kitchen. Rather than coffee or tea and eggs for breakfast, he simply re-heat the leftover chicken tenders from the night before. As he sat down with the tenders, he went to put one in his mouth when he stopped. Yone had opened the refrigertator and bent all the way over in her underwear to get a pop tart out of the bottom cabinet. Herkimer could only admire the big round booty all up in the air when Ralphus hopped up on his thigh and stole the chicken tender out of his hand. Herkimer shook his head and said "That's what I get for getting distracted." Yone said "Que?" as Herkimer said "The dog stole my tender out of my hand." Yone said "Here have a poptart." Herkimer went "I don't want a pop tar....." but before he could finish she already shoved one in his mouth. He quickly spat it out and said "Tart! Blah! You know I don't like blueberry!" Yone laughed as he shook his head. Herkimer finished his tenders with a load of ketchup as Yone shook her head and said "You need to eat better." Herkimer said "Yeah yeah, someday." Herkimer got up and checked his wrist noticing his watch wasn't on it. He said "Where's my watch?" Yone answered "Its in the living room." Herkimer remembered taking it off the night before and went to the living room. As he was walking into the living room he could hear Yone humming to the radio and imagining her moving her hips. He smiled in his daydream but right on cue he walked shin first into his coffee table. "MOTHER OF PEARL!" He said as he started hopping up and down. Yone rushed into the room and asked "You okay?" He said "I walked into the damn coffee table!" She said "Why you do that?" He replied "Because I was daydreaming of you." She said "Awwww mi amore" and kissed him deep while he wasn't expecting it. He said "Well, um....love you too honey." He put his watch on, grabbed his briefcase and walked outside.
His bus was usually on time so he walked slowly out of the house and to his stop only to see that the bus was early today. He then started to run as fast as he could with his briefcase flopping around trying to catch the bus. One of the patrons in the back pointed and laughed at him. "Hey...huff...pufff....hold that bus....hey!" Thankfully the driver saw him and kept the doors open as he panted, just making it to the door. The driver said "You okay, sir?" Herkimer slowly made his way up the stairs and said "Usually....the bus arrives at 7:30....its 7:28..." The driver said "Yeah, there was nobody on State Street, sorry dude." Herkimer said its okay as he staggered to a seat before sitting down. He took out a handkerchief and wiped his sweating brow, trying to catch his breath. Just before his stop, he noticed a blonde woman close to his age giving him the googly eyes while biting her lip. He looked around and figured out she was checking him out. He checked to see if his fly was down, nope. He looked to see if he split any of his clothes. Nope, still intact. Then he simply smiled at her which caused her to wink at him. He got red in the face and reached out for the pole to pull himself up only to miss completely and fall directly on his face. Everyone on the bus laughed except for the lady who helped him up while saying "Are you okay?" He said "Yes, yes, coming up, blarghhh." The woman not only dusted him off but he felt her hands rub his belly and his butt. He said "Um, thank you ma'am." She said "Anytime" before winking again and going back to her seat. He got red in the face again but almost fell over again when it reached his stop. Thankfully he was holding onto the pole this time. As the driver said "Big Island University!" Herkimer said "What a day." It had only just begun.
CHAPTER 2
It was around 3 o'clock when Herkimer was in the middle of teaching his last history class. He was writing on the board while trying to explain the 1840 Presidential Election. "So you see class, the Whig party used underhanded tactics to get William Henry Harrison elected. They claimed President Van Buren was the rich aristocrat while Harrison was the working man's war hero. In actualality it was the opposite. Van Buren grew up the son of a salloonkeeper listening to bar patrons talk politics while Harrison was the one who grew up on a plantation." Herkimer then looked out into the seats and the whole front row were girls giving him googily eyes. There was a brunette named Mary, a redhead named Patty, a blonde named Anna and a dark haired Japanese girl named Masame. Anna was about 5'5 and 105 pounds and she had her head on her wrists while sighing. She closed her eyes and she had something written on her eyelids. Herkimer continued "And because of the recession going on....Martin....he..." He leaned in to read her eyelids so she smiled and closed her eyes. The words "You're hot" were written across her eyelids which caused Herkimer to go red-faced. The class dork named Dan threw his arms up and said "He...he what?" Herkimer caught himself and said "He....was at a disatvantage. Let me cue up a short video, maybe something other than my voice will get you all to listen."
Herkimer cued up the video screen and pressed play on a nearby keyboard before sitting back in his very creaky chair. The girls paid more attention to him leaning back then they were the video explaining the election. Herkimer's eyes began to get heavy and soon his head was on his chest. The class clown named Joe leaned over and tapped Dan on the shoulder. He told Dan "He's got four hot girls in front of him and he's over here falling asleep." Dan "What do they see in him anyway?" Joe "I don't know but watch that chair. I loostened the bolts before class." Dan rubbed his hands and said "Showtime." A minute later the chair creaked......and creaked.....and creaked.....CRASH! Finally the chair gave out as Herkimer fell sideways, catching his right foot through the side of the desk. Herkimer jerked awake and shouted "GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!" as the class laughed. Herkimer tried to get up but with his foot caught he simply fell backwards again with his tie and other foot up in the air. Joe stood up and said "So that's what a turtle on its back looks like" as the crowd laughed again. Herkimer shouted "Shut up before I kick you with my other foot!" Anna ran over and did her best to get him free. "Mr. Lagass are you okay?" Joe said "Yeah Mr. Lardass, are you okay?" As Herkimer got to his feet and said "You're lucky this isn't a chalkboard, I'd throw the chalk and eraser at ya!" Anna brushed Herkimer off as he said "Thank you Anna, return to your seat." Anna pinched his backside out of view from everyone else which caused his face to turn red again. He said "Yes, well....um....about Van Buren." Suddenly the bell rang and the class began to file out. He said "We'll continue with this tomorrow, I'd like an essay on if you think the Whigs did the right thing to get Harrison elected or not." Anna, Mary, Patty and Masame walked out talking about how great Herkimer looks and how they'd date him if he was younger which caused him to blush again. He said out loud "Good thing Yone isn't here...what a day. I'm gonna need a new chair. I'll tell the Dean tomorrow." Herkimer gathered up his briefcase, put everything he needed in it and walked out the door.
Herkimer walked to the bus stop and this time the bus was late. He sat down at the stop and a blonde girl with a bit of pudge and a blue streak in her hair walked by, giving him a wink. He shook his head and said "Wow, what a day." He didn't notice but a rather large lady sat down next to him on his left with a beagle dog on her lap. The thick girl that had walked by had on a Steve Miller t-shirt and he started saying "Fly like a...." he looked to his left and the dog's face was now inches from his as he finished "....beagle." The dog started licking his face and plopped down next to him as he said "Hey hey, what's the idea!" The large lady laughed as the dog brushed his head against Herkimer. He said "Awww, good dog." Finally the bus arrived and they all got on. One the bus the lady and Herkimer had a nice chat as the dog stretched out across both of their large thighs. Finally when it was Herkimer's stop he got up with his briefcase and walked to the door. The lady's name was Rachel and she said "It was nice to meet you, Herkimer. He looked back as he was about to exit and said "It was nice to meet you too." Unfortunately for him, the distraction caused him to miss a step and he fell right down the stairs, his tie going up and his briefcase flying into the street. Herkimer hit the cement ass first and laid on his back for a second going "Owowowowowwwwwwww!" The driver said "Sir are you okay?" He said "Yeah....got a lot of padding." Herkimer stood up, arched his back and retrieved his briefcase. He waived to the driver who waived back and drove off. As he held his back he walked toward his house and said "Can anything else happen today?" Oh he had.....NO IDEA!
CHAPTER 3
As Herkimer neared his house around 5 PM, he felt the aches and pains of all the falls he took. He put his arm on his back and said "Ugh, ow...ugh...ow...." when suddenly he stepped on a skateboard that was half hidden in the grass and started to spin in a circle. He said "Hey woah, woah WOAHHH" and he tripped backwards, sending the skateboard into the street as he landed in the next door neighbor's bushes. As he gathered himself, dusting off the pin needles, the neighbor's kid Pete said "Hey you found my skateboard Mr. Lagass, thank you!" Herkimer again arched back and said "Yeah, anytime Pete....ugh." He looked at the bush he just landed in and a pair of hedgeclippers fell to the ground. All of a sudden his next door neighbor Tom, Pete's dad, leaned out a nearby window and said "Oh, there they are. I was looking for those. Thanks Herkimer!" Herkimer went to answer "Oh that's habebiba......." and he was cut off as Tom had already closed the window. Herkimer made his way to his own house and sighed while saying "I just want to go home, ugh." Herkimer got to his front steps when Ralphus started barking in the window. Herkimer said "Ralphus, Ralphus....stop, not today. I'll be inside in a second. Before he could open the door, it opened from the inside and Ralphus leaped into Herkimer. Herkimer caught the dog but fell backwards on the ground again. Yone appeared in the door wearing a pink dress that clung to her curves as she laughed. She said "Awww he missed you." Ralphus licked Herkimer's face as he said "Ralphus....for the love of Pete. Yone said "Come inside, I show you a surprise mi amor." Herkimer said "If Ralphus ever gets off of me!!!" Yone said "here boy, come in." Ralphus ran inside as Herkimer laid back for a second and began to mock cry. He then looked to his left and found that morning's newspaper in the grass. He said "Oh, there it is. Delivery boy must have been late." He picked up the newspaper and his briefcase before finally making it inside the house. He put the paper on the kitchen table and said "Lot of good it does now." He set the briefcase down on the dining room table and shed his suitcoat as Yone said "What happened to you?" Herkimer looked at all the dirt on his dress clothes, the frazzled tie and frizzy hair on his head and said "Honey, I had the worst day ever." Yone smiled and said "I'll make it better for you, come with me." Yone grabbed his hand and led him up the stairs.
Unfortunately she ran too fast for him to keep up so she actually pulled his momentum so much, he took a header into the stairs. Yone said "Oh dios mio, are you ok?" Herkimer said "Oooooh" while holding his shin before saying "I'm fine." When they made it to the stairs she held his hands and led them to their bedroom. He tried to close the door but he only got it halfway shut when she stopped in front of their bed. Herkimer said "What do you want to show me?" She pushed him down onto the bed which nearly sent the pillows flying into the air. She undid the straps on her dress and slowly slid them down. Herkimer's eyes lit up as Yone had her nipples pierced. Yone asked "What do you think?" Herkimer blushed and said "um, uh...honey they're....amazing." Yone's eyes lit up and she launched herself on top of him. He kissed her passionately and rubbed his hands on her newly pierced breasts & nipples. She moaned as their kisses got deeper as he squeezed them as gently but still firmly. She told him "Off with the shirt, the way I like!" Herkimer said "Do I have to?" She nodded her head and said "Si, papi." Yone got off of him and he said "Stand back." Herkimer then pressed his huge gut out as far as it could and the buttons flew off his shirt, one of them bouncing off the dressed and off of Yone's back. She said "Muy caliente! as she ripped the remnants of the shirt off. She undid his pants and removed them in almost record time before sliding her own dress off. Herkimer's face flushed red as he admired his lovely wife and her pierced nipples in just her underwear. He said "On three..." They said in unison "One...two...THREE" and they both pulled each other's underwear off. She jumped in his arms and they kissed again, his hands massaging anywhere they could. With her in his arms he staggered forward against the door and he started licking her nipples. She moaned and said "You ready, papi?" He nodded his head.
She pushed him toward the bed while kissing and jumped into his arms again. He was going to gently fall back into the bed with her on top but all of a sudden Ralphus had burst through the door and ran through his legs, causing Herkimer to stumble. He then fell with full momentum on the bed, breaking it and sending Yone flying into the air then back on top of him, making him go "Ooooooffffff." Yone said "Oh dios mio.....Ralphus, mierde!" Herkimer could only sigh but then kissed Yone deep on the lips and said "Ti amo mi amore." Yone kissed him back and said "Ti amo, papi." She then started to gyrate her chest against his and he leaned back and smile. Suddenly he looked to his left and Ralphus was directly in his face. Ralphus licked Herkimer's face and he just looked directly ahead and squished his face in a disappointing sigh.
THE END
