The fighters will be ranked on 3 important features. 1. What day they were on, 2. How many blows they landed and 3. How far they went in the Kumite. Number 2 is important because how can we tell if someone's good if they don't do shit? There were several of those guys that will be at the bottom of the list but then we weed them out with 1 and 3. Now people can make fun of them for their performance in a ficticious movie, but nearly every single one of them most likely could have taken our heads off rather easily. So with that, let's begin the top 30.
30. Last Montage Guy
I know what you're saying, who the hell is this guy? I don't know either. That still frame you see is virtually the only frame you see of this guy in the whole movie. Why is he dead last? He throws the lamest looking off the mark punch at Chong Li in recorded history and is dispatched with one kick. How is this worse than anyone else coming up? Chong Li was booked to be the undefeated, cold blooded killer that's killed before and has never lost a fight. If you're up against him and THAT'S the kind of punch you throw, that earns you a one way ticket to last place. How the hell did this guy impress the judges to get into this thing?
29. Sadiq Hossein
Like I said, the only reason he isn't dead last is the guy who is dead last is even more incompetent than Hossein. This guy was the perfect first act heel as a pain in the ass to Frank Dux. When it came time for them to brawl, it turned out Hossein sucked far worse at fighting than he was at closing his hand. Hossein's initial attack was to swing at Frank, but Frank countered by grabbing Hossein's arm. Frank must have Pikachu like electric currents running through his veins because Hossein stopped dead in his tracks. After a few basic chops, Hossein went down. Frank leaned over with his fist cocked and Hossein played dead. I can see if Frank was holding a gun or a knife to him but the mere presence of his fist was enough to scare Hossein shitless. If that wasn't bad enough Hossein tried a sneak attack and his stealth fail not only cost him the fight but his gold tooth as well. Other fighters on this list were only seen in one frame, but they couldn't have possibly been this pathetic.
28. Tsu-Hin
Known more commonly as "Jazzy Jeff" to younger fans and "Ed Norton" to older bastards like myself, this guy's claim to fame is wearing one of the finest looking suits in the whole Kumite. Unfortunately, he's so low on this list by being thrown off the platform by the virtual skill-less Ray Jackson. When an out of shape oaf like Jackson tosses you off a platform with relative ease, its time to retire. Once again, how the hell did he get into the Kumite when Frank Dux had to smash bricks with his bare palm?
27. Henrik Wesslen
Yes, that is the ONLY frame of the movie where this pencil neck is featured fighting. Despite his impressive looking silk pajamas, the non-impressed Pumola put him away with a backbreaker that would have made Kevin Nash give the thumbs up. Once again if that's the ONLY frame in which to showcase this guy, you definitely deserve to be in the bottom of the pecking order.
26. Newspaper Coverboy
A lot of these fighters are ranked at the bottom for having almost zero screen time, and that's mostly an editing thing. Still, we can only judge what we see and the only frame of this guy we see is him getting knocked senseless by Paco. Someone else made the joke that if there was actual press covering the event (and I don't mean Janice), the still frame of this would have made the front page. So for having newspaper quality facial features saved this turd from being ranked worse. Extra extra, Paco Wins Easy Fight!
25. Elbow To The Head Guy
Once again this is the only frame we see this guy in. Why is he here and not lower or higher? Chaun Ip Mung has all his clothes on for this fight. He doesn't have the gold gi top on in any other fight he's in. So for the simple fact that Chaun Ip Mung didn't feel it was necessary to disrobe completely, he must have known this guy was no threat. He was right.
24. Frank's Last First Day Opponent
This poor fellow had the unenviable task of going up against Frank Dux and fell victim to a series of kicks. Why is he here and not lower on the list? The other guys were completely pathetic but at least this guy took a few kicks before going down. Once again we have no idea how a good a fighter he really was since the only frame we saw was him getting plastered by Frank.
23. No Takedown Defense Dude
I said earlier that the important thing to judge a fighter's worth is what day they were eliminated on. Most everyone who fought during the second day had to win at least a few matches to get to that point. However this guy's Day 2 performance was inexcusable. Chong Li literally took the guy down with absolutely no resistance. A wrestler would have at least wizered and any other martial artist would have kicked or punched downward. Even a street fighter could have rolled through that. Nope, not this guy. For that alone he belongs here, lower than some guys eliminated the first day.
22. Mouthguard
I know what you're thinking, if the first guy on the list was pathetic for throwing a pathetic punch, didn't this guy do the same thing? Absolutely, the only difference was at least this was on target, Chong Li just blocked it like the outstanding fighter that he is. This guy was actually smart enough to wear a mouthguard, unlike that idiot Hossein who's knocked out tooth paid for Jimmy the Janitor's vacation in the Cayman Islands shortly after the Kumite.
21. Archer
And now we get to the guys that actually landed a punch or two. This guy here was matched up against Ricardo Morra in the first round and managed to knock him down with a low kick. Then inexplicably he took a swing two feet over Ricardo's head and was defeated shortly thereafter. You have to be pretty incompetent to take a swing at your eye level when your opponent is damn near on the ground.
20. Steve Daw
Why isn't Steve here lower than Archer since he never actually landed a blow? Because Archer made a stupid mistake. Daw here just happened to fall victim to Paco in the first round. He's also this low because he looked scared out of his mind while Jackson was threatening Chong Li during his fight with Asshole (see later). Although he did do a standing backflip so at least he gets style points to go with his broken nose courtesy of Paco.
19. Reale
This Marc Summers lookalike contest winner had some style points for his neon blue karate pants but unfortunately his mode of attack on Toon Ip Mung was to try to stomp on the guys toes. If Moe Howard is your Kumite trainer, you know you're not gonna last long and Toon soon dispatched him. Maybe Marc Summers himself would have stood a better chance.
18. Joao Gomez
Once again we go outside the first day in favor of Gomez here. Why? Because Frank Dux broke his own fucking world record by dispatching this guy in 5 seconds flat. The fight starts with this menacing looking fella flexing and giving the slit throat sign, trying to intimidate Frank Dux. The dude is imposing enough, but Dux spinkicks and rolling jump kicks him off the platform in record time.
17. Budiman Prang
At least Archer dropped Monkey Man, so why is he much lower than Prang? Well Prang had the distinction of being the equivalent of Jay Uso entering number 1 at the Royal Rumble when the equivalent of Triple H was number 2. Prang had a jacked body and a great look but he was matched up against Chong Li and the poor guy was dispatched in world record time. Maybe if he had a different opponent, he wouldn't have looked as sad as he did. Better luck next time Prang.
16. Gustafson
This sad sack's training method was jumping through boards in the beginning of the movie. Maybe that's all he was good for as he stumbled and bumbled in his matchup against Chong Li. Still, making the second day is nothing to sneeze at, it just would have been nice to explain how he got there and have him get some kind of offense in. Then again, he was fighting Chong Li while wearing MC Hammer pants. The weight of the pants most likely negated his board breaking jumping offense. No wonder Chong Li had an easy time with him.
15. Sen Ling
Most put him much lower on the list because he was dropped in the first match of the Kumite, but he got in some shots against Suan Parades who got in some shots against Chong Li. That's like saying you dated the cousin of the cousin who's friends with the hair stylist of Kim Kardashian. Still, Parades wiped him out pretty quick and Ling ended up being buried under a mound of gambling slips. If I were Suan Parades, I would have ran off the platform, gathered all the slips and autographed them for the sorry bastards that bet against him in that fight.
14. Asshole
This poor boy should be much lower on the list but isn't for two distinct reasons. He's arguably the youngest fighter on the list and most likely had to sneak into the Kumite wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. Also, he was doing well against Ray Jackson until backing off for some inane reason. Most likely he saw one of the Special Ladies in the crowd. Jackson then went into Dragon Rage by knocking this guy cold, breaking his nose and threatening to kill Chong Li who had nothing to do with the fight at all. Unfortunately we never got this dude's name, only that Jackson called him an asshole. What a mean old bastard that Jackson was, beating up the underaged and all.
13. Orange Gi Guy
Deviating from the previous rules, Orange Gi guy is here despite landing no offense. He had a great look and lasted until the second day of the Kumite, unlike most of the others before him. He was matched up against Frank Dux so not much could be done there. Maybe he would have fared better against someone else.
12. Jackson Ng Yuk-Sue
This guy here has some funny trivia attached. He apparently was a legitimate badass martial arts master in real life and the movie director gave him strict orders to go easy on Jean Claude Van Damme while filming. This alone puts him a cut above the other no name fighters on this list, especially if he could legitimately beat the crap out of half the field.
11. Ray Jackson
In terms of fighting skills, Jackson should be at the very bottom. He's a big, clumsy, out of shape oaf who has no skill other than pure power. He can throw guys off platforms and break the nose of underage youths no problem, but put him against Paco, Chong Li or Frank Dux and he's in trouble. Still, you have to give to Ray for making the quarterfinals and having Chong Li on the run. Still, his buffoonery cost him the match and nearly his life by beginning the fight running at Chong Li and screaming. You're against the most dangerous fighter in the world who's undefeated plus killed someone, and your mode of attack is run at him yelling like a maniac? Jackson did manage to drop Chong Li with an axehandle smash but then decided to pull the goosebrained stunt of stopping to chant his name to the crowd. Chong Li could only shake his head while he curbstomped him on his way to the semi-finals.
10. Hung Chi-Sing
Once again you may be asking how a Day 1 fighter could be ranked his high on the list and the answer is he had a great look, fighting style and really put on a show against Chaun Ip Mung. This guy could probably wipe out Jackson and most of the guys in the bottom 10 but just fell victim to a bad matchup. Better luck next time tattoo guy.
9. Little Engine That Could
As we reach the top 10 we now enter the best of the best territory. This guy unfortunately was never named but won our hearts with his performance. Despite standing what looks to be 5 foot 2, this little engine that could brawled his way to the second day and gave Chaun Ip Mung a run for his money before being ultimately defeated. Still, getting that far is nothing to sneeze at so the little fella deserves a lot of praise.
8. Toon Ip Mung
Toon was the training partner of Chaun Ip Mung and did well for himself, surviving the first day. Unfortunately he ran into the buzzsaw known as Paco on Day 2 and suddenly switched his fighting style. After wiping out Reale on Day 1 with Tae Kwan Do, he switched to.....to...I don't know what the hell that stance was but it sure as hell didn't work. His repeated attempt for a spinning back punch was ducked and counter punched by Paco twice, leading to his demise. Still, making it to Day 2 and having a killer look makes him a top 10 fighter.
7. Ricardo Morra
The infamous monkey man. His unique style may have been fun to laugh at but his opponents quickly found out he was no laughing matter. After dispatching Archer on the first day, he fought his way to the sweet sixteen where he met his match against Pumola. Still, to make it to the sweet sixteen with a monkey fighting style puts him a cut above the other lameasses on this list.
6. Suan Parades
Clumsy editing is the reason why Parades was shown early on Day 2 instead of the sweet sixteen where he actually was. After all, in the movie after Parades gets his leg snapped, you can see him sitting in the crowd as the montage continued. Clumsy editing aside, the real life friend of Jean Claude Van Damme and top heel in Kickboxer probably would have wiped out more than just Sen Ling if he was matched up against anyone else besides Chong Li. Even then, Parades got a few shots in and gave Dux the inside track on where Li's weakspots were. Too bad his shinbone got snapped like a piece of plywood but that's the risk you take when you enter the Kumite.
5. Pumola
This big giant sumo made a huge impression by strong arming his way into the quarterfinals against Frank Dux. The big fella wiped out most of the field with his immense size and had Frank on the run throughout their fight. Due to a shady sucker punch to the gonads by Dux, Pumola was ultimately defeated. Making the quarterfinals and nearly taking out the eventual champion puts him in the top 5 for sure. It would have been interesting to see him against Ray Jackson....a true Godzilla vs King Kong storyline.
4. Chaun Ip Mung
Now we got the four semi-finalists that made it to Day 3. Chaun Ip Mung was unfortunately the victim of Chong Li's personal vendetta against Frank Dux and his death was mourned by all in the arena....for about 5 minutes until the Finals started. Still, Chaun fought hard by eliminating at least 3 opponents on the way to the semi-finals and gave Chong Li a run for his money. His bell ringer had Chong dazed but he stopped to clap his hands in celebration which allowed Chong Li to gather himself and finish the ass kicking. Did he learn nothing from Ray Jackson's gaffe the previous day? It would have been interesting to see Chaun fight Dux or Paco in the semi's, especially Paco since Paco was the one who knocked his partner Toon out of the Kumite. Still, the honorable mention goes to Chaun Ip Mung may he rest in piece.
3. Paco
The Muay Thai oriented Paco has become the cult favorite in the 30 years since this movie came out. The legitimate muay thai master put on arguably the second best heel performance after Chong Li and his bad attitude really aided his fighting style to establish him as a badass. His semi-final match with Frank lit up the crowd for Day 3 and his demolishing of the competition showed that he belonged in the final four. It would have been fun to see him and Chong Li try to out-heel each other, but Paco should be thankful he got matched up against Frank. After all, Chong Li would have killed Paco instead. Congrats Paco, you win the bronze medal.
2. Chong Li
The ultimate badass and the movie's top heel. The undefeated (until the end) grand champion of the Kumite, Chong Li. The 49 year old defied age and time by wiping out nearly the entire field with little resistance along the way. Only 3 guys were able to land any kind of offense on him and two of them were only minor annoyances. Still, for someone pushing 50 to be the runner up in a full contact Kumite would put him on most guy's number 1 list. Not here though, he didn't win it. I don't know what Chong Li would have done with the sword had he won, it wasn't like he needed it to snap legs or kill people. He may not have won the sword, but he sure as hell deserved to win the silver medal on our list.
1. Frank Dux
Jean Claude Van Damme himself would have been knocked flat according to Frank Dux himself....or so he says. Frank plows through the competition with relative ease, only running into resistance from Pumola, Paco and Chong Li himself. After using shady tactics to dispatch Paco, he dropped Paco after a kicking contest and was graciously provided all the time he needed to make the big comeback against Chong Li. With the cheesy victory over Chong Li, Frank won the coveted sword for his Shidoshi, thus capping off an incredible week where he won the Kumite, got laid, went AWOL from the army and beat up Chinese police with no repercussions. So for that, we salute Frank Dux, our number 1 fighter.
So that wraps up the 30 Bloodsport fighters. If the movie was 20 minutes longer with extended fight scenes, the list would have been even better. Can only imagine was left on the cutting room floor. Just one last thing......Haji....HAJIME!!!!
