Selling of The Green

You think the New England Patriots are the most hated team in sports? When Bob Kravitz and Gregg Doyel of the Indy Star started their smear campaign against the Patriots following New England's 45-7 dismantling of the Indianapolis Colts, they kept their venom to social media and their local newspapers. Well, Harvey Araton and Filip Bondy took their dislike of the Boston Celtics one step further.

Harvey and Filip both worked for the New York Times. In 1992 they published "The Selling of the Green: The rise and moral decline of the Boston Celtics."  Basically these two New York Timers wrote a book about how mean and nasty the Celtics were. Claiming everything from racism, cheating and being big ol' meanies to their beloved New York Knicks.

                                                             These guys HATE the Celtics

Most of the quotes saying the Celtics are the biggest heels in the history of sports come from long time ex-players that never won anything because the Celtics were better.  One of Bondy's sources was John Y Brown, the man who singlehandedly ruined the Celtics in 1979.  The actual quote was "The way it works up there is that whatever goes right, Red did. Whatever goes wrong, the owner did." Well gee....what DID Brown do right? He screwed Red's rebuild project before the 79 season by making the franchise swap with San Diego. The fact Tiny Archibald resurrected his career was more of his own hard work and dedication than any sort of brain matter Brown used to get him. Brown also sent a 1st round pick for Earl Tatum that could have been acquired with a 2nd round pick. He also traded THREE first round picks for Bob McAdoo who the Celtics did not need. Red was able to swap Tatum for Chris Ford who contributed to the 1981 Finals championship and became a coach from 1984 to 1995. He also swapped Bob McAdoo for ML Carr and a first round pick....which was eventually traded for the draft rights to Kevin McHale and Robert Parish. So yeah....Brown deserves no credit and of course Filip Bondy tried to flip it around to make it sound like Red was a big ol' bully.

   According to Filip Bondy, the "Kentucky Fried Idiot" was a poor soul bullied by Red Auerbach. To everyone else in the world, Brown was an idiot that Red had to clean up after.

Most of the complaints about how mean and nasty the Celtics were, are trivial at best and get downright ridiculous at points. Filip Bondy actually suggested the Celtics were racist and the 1991 Media Guide was proof, as Robert Parish was the lone black player on the cover. Nevermind the fact that the owners were white, the coaches were white, Red was white, Bird and McHale were white. Reggie Lewis was a hell of a player, Kevin Gamble was great, Dee Brown and Brian Shaw made a great tag team at guard....but when you think the Celtics that era, you think "Big Three". That wasn't racism as it just was who was running and on the team at the time. Bondy even grasped at the tiniest of straws, crying that Joe Kleine was in an advertisement and not Reggie Lewis or Ed Pinckney.

One of the biggest points they tried to make was Auerbach was racist himself, nevermind the fact Walter Brown was verbally attacked for hiring him because Red was Jewish. Bondy and Araton downplayed the Celtics drafting Chuck Cooper, naming Russell head coach and fielding an all-black starting five by saying Red did it for money, not to break down racism. Meanwhile in New York, Sweetwater Clifton was subjected to countless jeers and insults in Madison Square Garden.

Another grasp at straws of racism was Bondy whining that most of the bench players in the 80's were white instead of black. I didn't know Terry Duerod, Charles Bradley, Quinn Buckner, Carlos Clark, David Thirdkill, Darren Daye, Sam Vincent, Dirk Minnifield and Kelvin Upshaw were white. He even goes to say that the Celtics 12th man was always white. According to Filip, Duerod never existed and was a figment of our imagination. He also forgets to mention the Celtics cut their 1st round pick in 1985 (Michael Young of Phi Slamma Jamma) in favor of Carlos Clark, the 4th round pick the year before. Clark isn't white by the way but don't tell Bondy that. In the middle of the book, Bondy and Araton claim that Boston fans flocked to John Havlicek after his famous steal but have forgotten the black players of that era such as Satch Sanders, Russell, Willie Naulls, Wayne Embry and Sam Jones. A. That's a load of crap and B. That's not a race thing, that's a "today's generation is stupid and doesn't read history" thing.

Another point Bondy and Araton tried to make was that DJ and Tiny were passed over in coaching and broadcasting opportunities due to racism. The book was published in 1992, 4 years later ML Carr would be named not only Celtics head coach, but their defacto general manager as well. Yes, Carr did a horrible job as coach and GM, but there was nothing racist about it. Carr's assistants during his tenure, DJ and KC Jones.

 According to Filip Bondy and Harvey Araton, the Celtics have a history of passing up potential black coaches. Bill Russell, Satch Sanders and KC Jones apparently didn't exist. ML Carr was named coach and GM in 1996.

One of the most comical lines come from a story that the Celtics would play a mind-game by suckering the Knicks into shooting at a specific basket during shoot-around. The Knicks then requested the other basket knowing the Celtics would turn them down, so they could shoot at the basket they wanted all along. "The Knicks giggled to two championships." Oh so they giggled to two championships, what a team! Know how many titles the Knicks won before 1970? Zero....point....zero. The Celtics won 11. Know how many titles the Knicks won after 1973? Zero...point...zero. The Celtics won 6 (5 at the time the book was released). Bondy also forgot the Celtics also won 2 championships in the 70's of their own.

The only two points Bondy and Araton made that had any sort of legitimacy was the unfair treatment of Cedric Maxwell in 1985 and Auerbach's comments about Gerald Henderson following his trade in 1984. For whatever reason, Auerbach felt betrayed that Maxwell wasn't able to be the beast he was in the 1984 finals a year later in 1985. Playing on a bad knee that really never healed, Maxwell was barely used in the 85 Finals against the Lakers. Instead of blaming KC Jones for his refusal to go to the bench (the real reason the Celtics lost in 85), Red blamed Maxwell. Not only was Max traded, he was pretty much removed from Red Auerbach's 1986 autobiography "On and Off The Court" other than a few blurbs. Bondy even threw in a rumor that Auerbach called Maxwell "Steppin Fetchit".  As for Henderson, rather than come out and admit Danny Ainge had better upside (he did, look at Henderson after he left Boston and Ainge's careers; Danny had the better of the two), Auerbach insisted he traded Henderson because he was out of shape. For once I agree with Filip Bondy that the assessment was a crock of hot garbage. Henderson was always in shape, for whatever reason Red just didn't want to admit Ainge was better. Would anyone have cared if Auerbach had said Ainge had better upside than Henderson? Maybe Bondy would have cried racism, but most everyone in the NBA wouldn't.

The Celtics fans were also taken to task, calling them racist, not as sophisticated and several other colorful insults. To be fair, Boston WAS racist for the longest time. It was well documented that Bill Russell had his home broken into by racist fans in the 1960's and refused to hold a public ceremony to retire his number in 1970 because he felt the fans didn't deserve it. I'll agree with Bondy and Araton that it took a long time for fans to shed that unwanted image.

Remember when Dennis Rodman and Isiah Thomas made the ridiculous comment that Larry Bird would have been "just another black guy" following Detroit's loss to Boston in the 1987 East Finals? You're not going to be surprised but Bondy and Araton try to bail them out and whine about the treatment they received following making those comments. Even though mostly everyone thought Thomas and Rodman were blowhards (and all evidence in the 28 years since then reveals nothing changed), these two cried racism and unfairness to their treatment. They cried foul that the media only backed off because Larry Bird stepped in with a few quips. Yes, Larry himself didn't make a big deal out of it but Rodman and Thomas bore the brunt. Hell, the media crucified Thomas more than Rodman because Thomas was the leader of that crew, Rodman was just an outspoken rookie. The Bad Boys were the Bad Boys for a reason and race had nothing to do with it.

            According to Filip Bondy and Harvey Araton, Isiah Thomas was a misunderstood young man and a victim of racism. According to everyone else in the world, Thomas is an a-hole

The bottom line was the book sounded more like sour grapes from a disgruntled New York Knicks fan and players from the era of Celtics dominance crying about losing all the time. When you claim racism that Joe Kleine was in an advertisement in a damn media guide, you pretty much lose all credibility. Excuse me while I giggle at the 17 championship banners currently raised in the Garden.

                                                     They hate us cause they ain't us

Toy Story (1995)

You got a friend in me……yes, the iconic movie that blew animation departments right out of the water with their state of the art animation. Animated movies would never be the same following the release of Toy Story. The movie itself is about toys coming to life when the kids aren’t around and how they interact with each other. What made Toy Story special was Pixar entertainment didn’t go with the classic cartoon style that other Disney movies had been doing for 50 years, it went with lifelike depictions. I can’t draw flies and my knowledge on art is severely limited so I can’t explain in correct detail, but basically Toy Story was the first movie of its kind. Is it good? With an all-star cast and a catchy soundtrack, let’s find out. It was written by director John Lasseter, Pete Docter, Andrew Stanton, Joe Ranft, Joss Whedon, Joel Cohen and Andrew Sokolow and released on November 22, 1995

*Spoiler alert*

We begin in Andy’s room. Andy (John Morris) is playing with his toys, having a jolly old time as his favorite toy sheriff Woody (Tom Hanks) stops Mr. Potato Head (Don Rickles) from dastardly deeds, such as robbing a bank and stealing Little Bo Peep (Annie Potts) sheep. After Woody saves the day by dropping Potato Head into Andy’s baby sister Molly’s crib where she drools on it and bangs it apart. Now we get an opening montage of Andy playing with Woody to the tune of Randy Newman’s “You Got A Friend in Me”. After the montage, we discover its Andy’s birthday and his mom (Laurie Metcalf) has a party planned for him. After Andy drops Woody off on his bed, the movie truly begins and all the toys come to life. Here we’re introduced to Rex the Dinosaur (Wallace Shawn), Hamm the piggy bank (John Ratzenberger), Slinky the Dog (Jim Varney), a platoon of green army men led by Sarge (R Lee Ermey), My Pal Robot (which is on wheels for some reason), Lenny the Binnoculars (Joe Ranft), Mr Spell (Jeff Pidgeon) and other various toys. This kid’s parents must be loaded. Anyway, Mr Potato Head complains that he’s meant for ages 3 and up and he’s not supposed to be babysitting princess drool. He then tries to show off Picasso for Hamm but Hamm doesn’t get it. Potato head then says “Whaddaya lookin at ya hockey puck?” to a nearby rubber squeezable hockey puck. The inside joke was that Don Rickles used that as one of his one liners during his Las Vegas comedy routines.

Slinky wants to play checkers with Woody but Woody has some bad news. Slink “BAD NEWS??” Woody tells them to round everyone up for a staff meeting. After fraternizing with the Etch N Sketch, Rex the Dinosaur pops up and roars at him meekly. Red “Were you scared?” Woody annoyed “I was close to being scared that time.” Rex whines about how he’s supposed to be scary but doesn’t have it in him. Bo Peep then thanks Woody for saving her flock and they get a little g rated flirting in. Woody steps to the podium built by My Pal and the Snake but Mike the Microphone is too close and there’s feedback, causing Hamm to go “For cryin’ out loud!” Woody asks if everyone’s picked a moving buddy since Andy’s family is moving in a week. Hamm “You can’t be serious!” Rex had no idea they were supposed to have one and Potato Head cracks up Robot and See and Say by saying “Do we have to hold hands?” Woody, all serious, doesn’t want any toys left behind and says get a buddy quick. Next he says Tuesday night’s plastic corrosion awareness meeting was a big success thanks to Mr. Spell. Mr. Spell “You’re welcome.” Woody says Andy’s birthday party has been moved to today and everyone freaks out. Apparently the toys are worried they’ll be replaced while Slinky and Woody try to calm them down. Woody goes to make a speech but Hamm breaks it up by saying the birthday guests are here. Everyone freaks out and goes hog wild. So much for staying calm. Rex, Slink, My Pal, Snake and Potato check out all the guests being presents. Slink says there’s a nice little one only to find out its twice the size, causing everyone to scream. Rex “We’re doomed!” Mr. Spell “Spell, trash can!” Woody then tries to calm everyone down by sending Sarge and his platoon to recon for them. Next scene shows the army men taking one of Molly’s child monitor walkie talkies and making their way to a plant. Along the way the minesweeper (Greg Berg) gets stepped on and has to be dragged to safety by Sarge. “A good soldier never leaves a man behind!” Meanwhile the toys gather around the second walkie talkie as Andy opens presents. Sarge reads off the presents, Mr Potato Head wishes for a Mrs Potato Head. First present is a lunch box. Woody “A lunch box??” Second present is bed sheets. Potato Head “Who invited THAT kid?” We cut to the last present which turns out to be….BATTLESHIP! Good choice for a present. The toys rejoice but just as the troops pack up the walkie talkie, Andy’s mom pulls a surprise present out of the closet. Andy opens it but the kids are screaming too loud so the bedroom talkie starts to static. Rex gets impatient and shakes the stand and the talkie falls, popping the batteries out. Potato Head and Hamm give Rex grief and try to put the batteries in, but fail miserably. Woody manages to get the batteries back in just in time to hear Sarge warn them that Andy and the boys are coming upstairs. Everyone scrambles to get back to their spots and Woody gets back on the bed. Andy and his friends barge into the room, knock Woody off the bed and plops a cardboard spaceship on the bed in his place. The boys leave and go downstairs as all the toys come out to inspect what just happened. Woody crawls out from under the bed and the toys ask if he’s been replaced. Woody says to give whatever is on the bed a nice welcome.

Woody climbs up and standing there on the bed is Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen)…space ranger. Buzz thinks he’s real so he tries to contact star command. He notices the ship opened and says it’ll take weeks to repair. He flicks his arm to open a communicator (its just drawn out on the plastic) and says there’s no sign of intelligent life anywhere. Then Woody pops up and says “Hellloooooooo” startling Buzz into locking on his lazer (a little lightbulb that blinks). Woody welcomes him and Buzz notices the Sheriff badge and says “Local law enforcement, about time you got here.” Buzz introduces himself and Woody tries to explain he’s in his spot when Buzz tackles him and says “Halt who goes there!” Rex pops his head up “Don’t shoot, friends!” Woody says they’re good and Buzz introduces himself “I am Buzz Lightyear, I come in peace.” Rex races over to shake his hand and thank him for not being a dinosaur. Rex asks what the buttons on Buzz’ chest do and Buzz presses one. A voice “Buzz Lightyear to the rescue” Hamm marvels at the sound quality as Potato Head says Woody’s pullstring sounds like a car ran over it. Hamm asks where’s he from and Buzz gives the speech that’s on the side of his box. Potato Head “Oh really? I’m from Playskool.” Woody confers with Bo and she says “He’s got more gadgets on him than a swiss army knife.” Slinky presses the lazer button and Buzz says “You don’t want to be in the way when my laser goes off.” Potato Head asks why Woody doesn’t have a laser and Woody says its not a laser but a little lightbulb that blinks. Potato Head says he has laser envy. Woody says they’re all impressed with Andy’s new toy and Buzz says “The word you’re looking for is space ranger.” Woody “The word I’m searching for, I can’t say because there’s preschool toys present.” Rex asks Buzz what a space ranger actually does and Woody gets pissed and says he’s just a toy, he can’t fly. Buzz then stops him, presses the big red button on his chest and plastic wings pop out. Woody says “What, these are plastic, he can’t fly.” Buzz and Woody argue about whether he can fly or not and Woody asks “Mr Light Beer” to prove it. Buzz leaps to the bed post “To infinity…and beyond!” and proceeds to fall onto a bouncy ball, hook up on a ceiling fan, swirl around and flip back on the bed. Buzz “Can!” The toys celebrate as Woody complains that wasn’t flying but falling in style. Woody smirks and says “They’ll see, I’m still Andy’s favorite toy.”
Next we get a montage to Randy Newman’s Strange Things where the room changes from Woody pictures, posters and bed sheets to Buzz Lightyear paraphernalia. Buzz establishes himself as everyone’s new friend and Woody hates it. The critical image is when it comes down to who Andy sleeps with, he puts Woody in the toybox and sleeps with Buzz. A dejected Woody must sleep with the other toys. Woody opens the toybox and wonders where his hat is. A squeaking Shark (Jack Angel) pops up with the hat on “Look I’m Woody! Howdy, howdy, howdy!” Woody sarcastically laughs “A ha… a ha ha ha gimmie that!” Buzz calls over Rex and Slink to confirm that he’s been accepted into their culture since Andy wrote his name on his foot. Woody gets steaming mad as Bo Peep tries to calm him by saying Andy has a special place for him. Potato Head walks by “Yeah, in the attic.” Woody can take no more and confronts Buzz while he tries to fix his ship. Just before they go blow to blow, Woody accidentally presses the button that controls Buzz’s helmet. It opens and Buzz gags in front of Woody. Buzz “How dare you open a spaceman’s helmet on an uncharted planet. My eyeballs could have been sucked from their sockets.” Woody mocks him and Buzz calls him on it. Woody “BUZZ LOOK AN ALIEN!” Buzz turns and Woody laughs at himself. All of a sudden a dog barks and the toys all run and hide. Its Sid!!! Hamm says he’s been kicked out of summer camp early this year. The toys all gather around to watch the neighbor a door over. Sid (Erik Von Detten) is the heel of the movie along with his rabid dog Scud. They have Combat Carl rigged to a stick of dynamite. Buzz comes over to investigate as Woody with the help of Lenny shows him Sid, the sinister laughing boy. Buzz “You mean that happy child?” Potato Head “That ain’t no happy child.” Rex “He tortures toys…just for fun!” Buzz jumps on the window as Bo tells him to get down. Buzz “I’m gonna teach that boy a lesson.” Woody “Yeah sure, go ahead. Melt him with your scary laser.” He presses the button as Buzz says “Be careful with that!” Lenny notices Sid lit the dynamite and tells everyone to hit the dirt. Everyone takes cover as BOOOOM!!!! Carl is blown to smithereens much to Sid’s delight. The explosion leaves a crater in Sid’s backyard. I’m surprised his father didn’t run outside and beat the crap out of him. Buzz laments saying he could have stopped him while Woody says he’d love to see him try and end up a crater. Bo “The sooner we move, the better.”
We cut to see the For Sale sign by Virtual Realty (clever) and Andy is playing with Woody and Buzz….well more like Buzz beating the crap out of Woody. Andy’s mom says all the moving made them hungry and they should go to Pizza Planet. Andy gets excited and asks to bring some toys, Andy’s Mom says he can bring one. Woody “Just one?” You know…even as a child, I wouldn’t dare bring my toys to an arcade/restaurant. Who knows what kind of hoodlums would be there ready to lay waste to your action figures. Then again this is a kids movie so whatever. Woody jiggles the magic 8 ball (remember those?) and asks if Andy will pick him. “Don’t count on it” is the response. Woody “DON’T COUNT ON IT?? AWWWWW!!!” He slams the ball down and it rolls behind the table. Woody then hatches an evil scheme to knock Buzz behind the table so Woody will be chosen. He grabs RC’s remote and steers him into Buzz, but misses and crashes into the bulletin board. A series of mishaps lead to Buzz being knocked out the window and into the plant below rather than behind the desk. RC squeals that Woody did it and the toys revolt. Woody claims it was an accident as Sarge, Hamm, Potato Head and RC get PO’d while Slink takes Woody’s side. Rex doesn’t like confrontations as the Potato Head delivers the motive. Hamm says let’s get him and the army men gang frags him. My Pal, RC, Rocky Gibraltar (also voiced by Jack Angel), Hamm, Potato Head, Sarge and the Snake gang up on him as Bo tries to calm everyone down. Andy is heading back to the room so the toys all retreat, leaving Woody alone on the table. Although Potato Head has Etch doodle a noose with the implication that they’re going to hang him by his pull string. Andy can’t find Buzz so he grabs Woody and runs out to the car with his mom. Buzz is alright and he notices Woody being carried by Andy so he runs and jumps on the car as it pulls away.

Meanwhile Rex leads a rescue mission as none of the toys are aware Buzz is with Woody. They use a barrel of monkeys to form a rope but it doesn’t work. Why didn’t they just have Slink hold the monkeys and hang HIM out the window since he stretches and all…but Buzz isn’t there anyway so I’m just wasting time thinking about it. Andy’s mom stops for gas at Dinoco (clever) and Woody wonders what he’s going to do when he gets home. Then Buzz appears and drops down next to him as Woody rejoices. He thinks he’s saved and tries to make peace with Buzz. Woody “Right buddy?” Buzz “I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.” Woody “Oh good.” Buzz “….but we’re not on my planet, are we?” Woody “uh…no?” GO TIME!!! Buzz tackles Woody out of the car and they have it out. It has to be seen to appreciate, words on a screen can’t do it justice but the fight is hilarious. In the middle of their brouhaha, Andy’s mom starts up the car and takes off…leaving Woody and Buzz at the gas station alone. Woody “I’m lost….I’m a lost toy.” Woody sobs as Buzz reports in his mission log and Woody goes to strangle him but a huge mack track comes by and nearly runs over Woody. Buzz continues his “report” when Woody finally catches up with him. Woody blames him for everything when Buzz cuts him off saying the universe is in trouble. Woody is caught off guard and Buzz goes into a speech about only he can stop Emperor Zurg (his arch-nemesis) from destroying planets with a superweapon. He then blames Woody for delaying his rendezvous with Star Command. Woody pauses for a moment then goes on an epic rant. “YOU…ARE…A….TOYYYYYY!!! You’re not the real Buzz Lightyear, you’re an action figure. YOU are a child’s PLAYTHING!” Buzz “You are a sad, strange little man…and you have my pity. Farewell.” Woody “Oh yeah well good riddance ya loony.” Woody walks off and sarcastically mouths “Rendezvous with Star Command…:” All of a sudden a truck pulls up…a delivery truck from Pizza Planet (how convenient) and Woody rejoices. He convinces Buzz to go with him into the truck by saying he’s found “a spaceship”. Buzz hops in the front and hooks a seatbelt while Woody hops in the back and nearly gets annihilated by the maniac driver on the way to Pizza Planet.

Once they get there. Buzz notices the robotic guards (Phil Proctor) at the entrance and wonders how they’re going to get by. Woody staggers to his feet with a soda cup over his head and Buzz says “Great idea Woody, I like your thinking.” Woody and Buzz make their way to the entrance disguised as a cup of soda and a burger container. Once they make it inside, we’re shown the outer space themed Pizza Planet. Woody spots Andy but Buzz sees a crane game in the shape of a spaceship so he makes a run for it. Woody “This can NOT be happening to me!” Woody goes after him as Buzz makes his way into the crane game and is surrounded by a sea of little 3 eyed aliens (Debi Derryberry). “A stranger! From the outside! Ooooohhhhh!” Buzz comes in peace as Woody makes his way inside. Buzz asks who’s in charge and the aliens point up. “THE CLAWWWWWWW. The claw is our master, he decides who will go and who will stay.” Woody is disgusted “This is ludicrous.” All of a sudden Woody hears Sid’s voice and sure enough, the nefarious infidel is in the process of breaking the building’s version of the Whack-a-mole. Now you see why you don’t bring toys to the arcade kiddos. Sid stops by the crane game and manages to win one of the aliens. “I have been chosen! Farewell my friends, I go on to a better place.” As Sid goes to grab his winnings, he notices Buzz’ head sticking out and decides to go for Buzz. Woody scrambles to find the exit and does manage to get it open, but the claw picks Buzz up…..you gotta be kidding me. You know how many quarters I wasted as a child trying to get crane game items and this stooge managaes to get two in a row? As my dad would say, “its only a movie.” Woody pulls Buzz down and Sid bangs on the window in frustration. Suddenly the aliens pop up and push Woody away from the exit toward the crane. Woody “Hey! What are you doing! Stop it you zealots!” Suddenly the crane lifts Buzz with Woody attached as Sid exclaims “Alright double prizes.” He gathers his loot “Let’s go home and….play.”

Sid skateboards home with Woody, Buzz and the alien in his backpack and Buzz notices Andy’s house is right next door. The Alien “The mystic portal awaits!” Woody exclaims “Will you be quiet? You guys don’t get it do you? Once we go into Sid’s house, we won’t be coming out. Sid enters the door and the snarling Scud is there to greet him. Sid has a present for him and grabs the alien from the bag. He sits it on Scud’s nose and says “Now!” Scud then tears the thing apart in his mouth as Buzz and Woody look on in horror. Sid screams out for his sister Hannah (Sarah Freeman) and asks if he got his package in the mail. Hannah says she doesn’t know and Sid gets mad. He grabs Hannah’s doll and runs up to his room to perform an “operation.” Basically Sid rips the doll’s head off along with the head of a plastic Pterodactyl and attaches the Pterodactyl’s head to the doll. He gives it back to Hannah who screams and calls for her mom. Once again, in real life I’d have love to have seen the ass kicking Sid would have got from his dad. I know I would have if I did something similar. Anyway Sid throws the doll down and runs after Hannah. Woody gets freaked when he notices the evil posters and the lava lamp with doll heads in it instead of lava (clever). Woody “We are gonna die. I’m outta here!” Woody runs off but then starts hearing noises. He picks up a nearby flashlight and sees a baby’s head under a desk. The baby emerges to be a giant spider made out of an erector set with a hairless, one eyed doll’s head attached (Baby). Out walks a pair of Barbie legs attached to a fishing rod (Legs). Next, a jack in the box with a giant hand that comes out (Hand in the Box). A Gi-Joe’s upper body attached to a skateboard (Roller Bob) rolls out and then a windup frog on a hotwheels racer(Frog) follows. Finally a…a…I don’t know what the hell it is (Jingle Joe), a male head attached to a rolling toy with a hand that shuts Woody’s flashlight off. Woody freaks out and climbs on the desk and Buzz too “bughbubububuhbub Buzzzzzzz!!!” Legs, a duck pez dispenser attached to a male torso (Ducky) and…get this…a Praying Mantis head attached to a torso of a Combat Carl with a steering wheel controlling the torso of a Rocky Gibraltar figure (Rockmobile) pull the doll’s body out of the vice it was in, while the rest of the mutant toys including a yellow car with human arms and legs for wheels (Pump Boy) grab both heads and the Pterodactyl’s body as well then drags it all away. Buzz “They’re cannibals!” Woody runs away with Buzz in pursuit. Buzz says he’s set his laser from stun to kill and Woody isn’t happy. “Aw great, great. If anyone attacks us, we can blink them to death!” Say what you will, but Sid sure has a hell of a lot of creativity. That Rockmobile…thing is ingenious.

Meanwhile next door Rex and Slinky have a searchlight going for Buzz and a nearby cat gets in the way causing Rex to shout at it. Andy comes home and the toys gather around. Andy laments that Woody’s gone too and the toys all react. Hamm and Potato Head are happy while Slinky, Rex and Bo are stunned. The next morning Sid tortures Woody by using the old magnifying glass to burn a hole in his forehead trick before getting called down by his mom (Mickie McGowan) for pop tarts. Once gone, Woody jumps up screaming and buries his head into a nearby cereal bowl. Buzz is covered in play darts and as he pulls them off, he applauds Woody for not surrendering. Woody notices the door is open and makes a run for it only to be stopped by the mutant toys. Woody tells Buzz to do something and Buzz tells him to shield his eyes. He then shoots his “laser” at Baby who just looks around confused. Woody “You idiot, you’re a toy. Use your karate chop action!” Woody then presses a button on Buzz back that makes his arm do karate chops. He backs away the mutants with Buzz’s karate chop much to Buzz’ confusion. “Hey hey, how are you doing that? Stop that!” Woody “Back, back you savages, back!” Buzz “Woody, stop it.” Woody “Sorry guys but dinner’s cancelled.” Woody makes a run for the stairs but notices Scud sleeping at the bottom. Woody slowly backs up the stairs as Buzz pulls him aside to chew him out. As they try to sneak away, the bannister triggers Woody’s pull string which wakes up Scud. Buzz tells them to split up so Woody heads for the closet as Buzz runs into what appears to be a tv room. Scud notices Sid’s dad snoring away in the barcalounger and walks away. Buzz goes to leave but the TV (Penn Jillette) chimes “Calling Buzz Lightyear. Come in, Buzz Lightyear. This is Star Command. Buzz Lightyear, do you read me?” Buzz gets excited and goes to answer only for a boy on tv to answer for him. Its a Buzz Lightyear commercial that confirms that Buzz is just a toy. It even says “Not a flying toy.” In the graphic montage. The toy is available at Al’s Toy Barn which means nothing in this movie but it will in the future. Buzz can’t believe it as another Randy Newman song “I Will Go Sailing No More” comes on to show how dejected Buzz is. Buzz notices the open window and hops to the top of the bannister. He hears Woody’s voice saying he’s a toy and can’t fly but blocks it out. “To infinity…and BEYOND!” He leaps…..and crashes down the stairs, breaking his arm off. Hannah walks in looking for her new doll but finds the one armed Buzz and takes him away.

Back upstairs Woody escapes the closet and hears Buzz in the next room getting played with by Hannah. Buzz/Mrs Nesbitt’s drinking buddies are 3 headless dolls….damn Sid is brutal. Woody runs up to Buzz who acts slovenly drunk. “One minute you’re defending the whole galaxy. And suddenly you find your self suckin’ down Darjeeling with Marie Antoinette (ha!) and her little sister (two of the dolls both wave). Woody tries to snap Buzz out of it but he’s too far gone. Buzz cries that he can’t fly out a window and Woody notices the window in Andy’s room is open. He grabs Buzz and makes a dash for Sid’s window. Over in Andy’s house, Hamm is defeating Potato Head in an epic game of Battleship. Woody calls out and they notice him. Hamm calls everyone over and Woody says they’re going to get out of there…until he see’s Buzz playing with himself (not like that you perverts!) and crashing his arm like a plane. Woody tosses Slinky the Christmas lights he stole from the closet and Slink catches it. Potato Head grabs it and says they should just drop it after what Woody did to Buzz. Woody tries to get Buzz to join him to get the toys off his back but he refuses. He rips the plastic “communicator” sticker off and crumples it up. Woody “Buzz will you get up here and give me a hand?” Buzz tosses him the arm and Woody says “That’s very funny Buzz..THIS IS SERIOUS!” Potato Head calls him a liar and Woody thinks on the fly by having the arm wave behind his back. Rex and Slinky are fooled but Hamm and Potato Head aren’t. Hamm “Something’s screwy here.” Potato Head “What are you trying to pull?” Woody then goes to protest but then pulls the arm into plain view. Bo shrieks, Rex pukes and Potato Head screams “MURDERER!” Woody tries to explain but Potato Head isn’t hearing it. “Save it for the jury. I hope Sid pulls your voicebox out, ya creep!” Potato Head lets go of the light chord and it falls into the driveway as Woody pleads for help. Even Slink can take no more and shuts the window on Woody. It starts to thunder out as the mutant toys gather around Buzz. Woody comes to his rescue but Baby pulls the arm away from Woody, sending Woody flying. Woody tries a second time to get Buzz out of there but when he gets close, Buzz has his arm re-attached by the mutants. Woody is shocked “They fixed you…but they’re cannibals, we saw them eat those other toys.” The mutants clear a path and show the Janey doll and Pterodactyl with their heads re-attached as well. Woody realizes he’s had the toys all wrong. The mutant’s retreat and Woody wonder’s why until he hears Sid making his way back. Buzz refuses to move and Woody gets mad “Fine, let Sid trash you but don’t blame me!” Sid’s package came and its a high explosive. Sid looks for Woody to use it on but can’t find him, instead he finds Buzz and uses duct tape to strap the rocket to his back. All of a sudden it starts raining, much to Sid’s chagrin. Sid then says the launch has been postponed to tomorrow and sets his alarm for morning.

Meanwhile back in Andy’s room, his mom tells him that she couldn’t find Woody or Buzz, just Andy’s cowboy hat. Andy goes to sleep sad and the toys are all boxed up. Rex and Potato Head are moving buddies and Potato Head gives him the business when Rex comes up for air. Bo notices Andy sleeping with the hat and wishes Woody was there to see it. Meanwhile back in Sid’s room the following morning, the maniac is passed out on his bed. Woody hid in a crate but now has a giant toolbox on it so he can’t get out. He calls over Buzz to help him but again Buzz doesn’t budge. Buzz gives a sob story of how he finally realizes he’s a toy. Woody gives him a pep talk about how he’s much cooler than he is and lots of toys wish they could be Buzz. After a while, Buzz springs up and is revitalized. Buzz pushes the toolbox off the crate so Woody can get out but notices the moving van. Now the pressure is on…not noticing Woody’s made it out, Buzz keeps pushing until the box falls on Woody. Suddenly the alarm clock goes off and Sid wakes up. He gets up cheerful, grabs Buzz and runs outside. Woody chases after him but Scud chases him back into the room. The mutant toys gather but when Woody acknowledges them, they scatter. Woody apologizes and begs for their help. Of course the mutant’s volunteer to help. Woody says they have to break a few rules but he’s got a plan that will help everybody. Meanwhile Andy’s room is cleaned out including all his toys. All he has left of Buzz is his ship and his cowboy hat to remind him of Woody. Out in Sid’s yard, Sid constructs the launch pad while Woody goes over the plan. He enlists Pump Boy, Legs and Ducky for a mission and says he’ll be with Roller Bob. Scud barks at the door as Legs and Ducky pull off the air vent. They hop around until we’re back with Woody. Woody tells Pump Boy to wind up Frog as Rockmobile lifts up Hand in the Box to open the door. Legs and Ducky make it to the outside light and lift it away. Ducky hooks himself up and lowers until he can swing to ring the doorbell. Woody says now as Hand opens the door and the Frog shoots out with Scud in hot pursuit. Ducky lowers to the welcome mat as Frog makes its way downstairs. Baby, Rockmobile, Hand, Jingle Joe, Janey, Pterodactyl and Woody all pile on Roller Bob as Hannah opens the door. Strangely she doesn’t see Ducky right there in front of her as Woody and the gang make their way downstairs and out the back door. Frog shoots outside into Ducky’s arms and Legs lift them to safety as Scud cleans out Hannah making a mad dash outside. Ducky puts the light back as Hannah shuts the door in Scud’s face “Stupid dog!” Woody and the gang makes it to the bushes as Sid is finalizing the launch sequence. Legs, Ducky and Frog make it out of the drain pipe so all hands are on deck. Woody tells everyone to get ready and they spread out. Sid searches for matches as Woody runs out in plain view and tells Buzz everything is under control. Woody collapses and Buzz is confused. Sid notices Woody on the ground and wonders how he got out there. He sticks a match in Woody’s holster and tosses him on the grill. “You and I can have a cookout later.” As Sid begins the 10 second countdown, the mutant’s all spread out. Pump Boy makes it to the sandbox where some ill-fated doll comes to life. As Sid makes it to 1, Woody’s voicebox goes off with his catchphrases. Sid drops the match and picks up Woody and says he’s busted. Suddenly Woody starts talking even though his face remains motionless “Who are you calling busted, buster?” Sid turns Woody around and the pullstring isn’t moving, he can’t figure out how he’s talking. “Yes I’m talking to YOU, Sid Philips. We don’t like being blown up Sid, or smashed…or ripped apart.” Sid starts to freak “W-we?” Woody “That’s right, your toys!” Suddenly Pump Boy emerges from the sandbox with a charred, burnt doll and a red pickup truck. Suddenly Frog emerges from mucky water with one headless soldier and another with both arms gone and a nail through its head. The alien pops out of Scud’s water bowl and shambles toward Sid. Legs lowers Baby who attaches its arms to Sid’s head and he screams. Hand pops out on top of Rollerbob with Janey, Pterodactyl and Jingle Joe in tow. The toys surround Sid and Woody’s voicebox goes “From now on you must take good care of your toys. Because if you don’t, we’ll find out Sid.” Woody’s head starts spinning Exorcist style “We toys can see everything!” Suddenly Woody comes to life “So play nice.” Sid throws his arms up and runs away screaming into the house. Woody and the mutant’s celebrate “We did it, we did it, yes!” Sid runs into Hannah exclaiming the toys are alive. Hannah then sticks her Sally doll in his face and he runs away screaming. Hannah chases him up the stairs as Woody thanks all the mutants for their help.

He and Buzz shake hands as the moving van honks. Andy’s mom’s car takes off and Woody makes it under the fence but Buzz gets stuck since the rocket is still attached to his back. Woody goes back to spring Buzz lose but the car drives off when they hit the middle of the street. Buzz and Woody make a run for it to catch the moving van but Scud takes off after them. Buzz makes it up to the bumper and Woody is halfway up when Scud catches Woody and bites him on the leg. In real life he would have bitten the leg clean off but..again, its only a movie. Woody says “Take care of Andy for me!” as Buzz screams no and jumps on Scud to spring Woody to safety. Only problem is how is he going to get Buzz now? Woody opens the latch to the van and finds the box of Andy’s toys. He opens it and the toys are surprised to see him. He pulls out RC and the remote. He kicks RC off the van and Rex screams “Ahhh he’s at it again!” Woody steers RC until he finds Buzz underneath a car. RC is glad to see him and he hops on. Potato Head screams “Get him!!!” and the toys make their way out of their perspective boxes. Woody frantically tries to steer RC and Buzz back to the van but the toys catch him and beat the crap out of him. Meanwhile RC and Buzz race toward a 4 way intersection and damn near get run over, meanwhile the cars swerve into each other to avoid nailing Scud and they trap him in a circle. Finally Andy’s toys toss Woody off the van just as RC and Buzz catch up with him. Woody steers RC back to the van where Lenny notices Woody and Buzz riding RC back. Bo confirms it that Woody was telling the truth all long and now the toys are remorseful. Bo tells Rocky to hit the ramp and he does. Just as RC nearly makes it to the ramp, Slink stretches so he can grab them. Slink starts to get pulled and RC begins to slow down. Woody and Slink tells Buzz to hit it but RC’s batteries are running out. Sure enough, RC runs out of juice, Slink wipes out the toys when he riccohet’s back to the fan and Woody/Buzz come to a full stop as the van drives away. Woody is depressed but Buzz remembers the rocket. Woody pulls the match out of his holster and thanks Sid. He goes to light the rocket but an oncoming car blows the match out before he can light it. Woody falls to the pavement crying but notices his hand smoking, the glare from Buzz’s helmet is burning a hole like the magnifying glass trick. Woody pulls Buzz’ helmet and angles it where the rocket ignites. They celebrate but Woody remembers rockets EXPLODE! Sure enough…zooooom! Meanwhile back in the van, My Pal tries to put Slinky back together as Lenny notices RC/Woody/Buzz are coming up fast. The rocket then levitates and lifts allowing Woody to let go of RC and the remote at the right time….RC cleans out Mr Potato Head for good measure. Meanwhile Woody and Buzz shoot straight up…up and away. Woody says this is the part where they blow up and Buzz says not today. He pushes the button to flick his wings which cuts through the duct tape (yeah right). The rocket explodes and Buzz flies down toward the van. Woody says “Buzz you’re flying!” Buzz “This isn’t flying, this is falling with style!” Buzz overshoots the van and Woody wonders why. Buzz “We’re not aiming for the truck!” Buzz then lands into the sunroof into the car. Andy perks up and notices Woody and Buzz in the box next to him. “Mom, Woody! Buzz!” Is this kid stupid, if he brought the box which he knew there was nothing in it…they just magically appeared? Blah…only a movie. Andy rejoices and Woody and Buzz wink at each other.

Christmas time at Andy’s new house brings about the same recon plan as his birthday only the troops are in the Christmas tree. This time Buzz is nervous that Andy will get an even better toy to replace him. Bo uses her shepard’s hook to pull Woody in for a kiss under the mistletoe. Rex says he hopes Andy gets another dinosaur, a leaf eater. It should be noted that in this room, both Woody and Buzz’ posters are all over. Guess this one was more spacious than the previous. Andy’s mom says Molly will open the first present and its….MRS POTATO HEAD! Hamm “Way to go Idaho!” Potato says “I gotta shave” and removes his mustache. Sarge says Andy will be opening his first present and Woody hops up on the bed (with lipstick all over his face) and Buzz asks if he’s nervous. Woody “What could Andy possibly get that is worse than you?” All of a sudden a dog barks and Andy says “Oh wow a puppy!” Buzz and Woody laugh nervously at each other….THE END. The credits roll with “You Got a Friend in Me” again.

Cast:

Tom Hanks was outstanding as Woody. You can feel the emotion in his voice throughout the whole movie and he didn’t even change his voice at all. He took the ball, ran with it and scored. My hats off to Tom.

Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear was equally outstanding. He had to change his voice a little bit to sound tougher but overall you could feel the emotion in his voice as well. He and Tom fed off each other and the chemistry worked great.

Don Rickles was his merry old self as Mr. Potato Head. His wisecracks matched up with the character and he played the antagonist well. Considering he was in Casino around the same time, working on a children’s movie was a surprising change of pace.

Jim Varney will forever be known as Ernest and you can hear the southern drawl as he did the voice for Slinky. Still, it worked well with the character and his twang wasn’t a mockery like it was in his Ernest movies. Great job by Jim.

Wallace Shawn may have been money as the heel in Princess Bride, but he was outstanding as Rex. Again, you could hear the emotion in his voice and it really fit the character well. Some of his best work in my opinion.

John Ratzenberger really hadn’t done anything since Cheers went off the air but this pretty much was his big comeback. He didn’t really change his voice and he wasn’t as emotional as the others or as funny as Potato Head. Then again, he was pretty much second fiddle to George Wendt on Cheers so he fit right in as second fiddle to Potato Head.

Annie Potts aka Jeanine from Ghostbusters was more herself than the character. By that I mean her monotone delivery didn’t really work since Bo was supposed to be the voice of reason among the gaggle of often frightened toys. Not that I don’t like hearing her voice, just the style didn’t fit the character. Still, better her than some no name.

John Morris was 11 years old when he was cast as Andy. The character looked to have been 7 years old in the movie so for an 11 year old to still be able to sound like a 7 year old, that was impressive. Most kids’ voices begins to change right around that time and for him to hold back the hands of time, cool.

Erik Von Detten was 13 when he was cast as the nefarious Sid. Of course Sid was definitely portrayed to be older Andy so this was cast perfectly. You could feel the emotion in the voice and he seemed to have gotten into it. Unlike John Morris, Erik already had a career going and also unlike John, he went on to have a career. You’ll see him pop up in future reviews.

Laurie Metcalf will forever be known as Jackie from Roseanne but she played the motherly figure well as Andy’s Mom. You can tell it was her but that’s ok. Better her than Roseanne, right?

R. Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket makes his appearance as Sarge. It was a natural fit, no need to explain.

Sarah Freeman was 9 years old when she was cast as Hannah. It was a perfect fit because the child and the character appeared to be the same age. She had done some tv work before and a few roles after.

Penn Jillette…yes THAT Penn, makes an appearance as the announcer in the Buzz Lightyear commercial. Ever heard of Penn and Teller? Of course you have, nuff ced.

Jack Angel will forever be known as The Flash from the original Superfriends cartoons. Here he’s the Shark that steals Woody’s hat and Rocky Gibraltar although I can’t remember Rocky ever speaking.
Greg Berg had one line as Minesweeper but he was more known for being Donatello and Beebop in the Ninja Turtles cartoon and Fozzie/Scooter from the Muppet Babies.

Debi Derryberry was the voice of the aliens. She’s a veteran voice actress that’s been in over 160 video games, tv shows and movies.

Mickie McGowan’s claim to fame is being the daughter of Our Gang writer Robert McGowan. Our Gang is the real name of the little rascals. Mickie was Sid’s mom here for what its worth.

Jeff Pidgeon was actually the film’s story artist and he doubled as the voice of Mr. Spell and My Pal.

If you look closely, you’ll hear Phil Proctor as the robotic Pizza Planet guard. He’s more known as Howard from Rugrats and the Drunk Monkey from Dr. Doolittle.

Joe Ranft was the film’s co-writer and doubled as Lenny the Binnoculars. He did some amazing work at Disney.

Andrew Stanton both co-wrote and did the screenplay and tripled as the guy who chanted “Buzz Lightyear!” in the Buzz commercial.

Language – Woody calls Buzz an idiot a few times…its a kids movie, what do you expect?

Gore – None….again, kids movie.

Soundtrack – Randy Newman with some iconic classics such as “You Got a Friend in Me”

Nudity – The crane game aliens’ shiny bald heads and Mr. Potato Head takes off his mustache.

Final Thoughts:

Now that was AWESOME. It was a kid’s movie but still cool enough to draw in an older demographic. The toys themselves were pretty standard as I’m sure copyrights prevented them from using most of the real toys that were out at the time. The robot in the movie looked nothing like the actual My Pal. Still, the all-star cast brought in the older demographic to hear their favorites such as Tom Hanks, Tim Allen and Don Rickles. The teenagers tuned in to see some of their old toys in action and of course, the children’s demographic was very into it. Thanks to the revolutionary art, the all-star cast and the brilliant story, this movie is currently ranked #109 of the top 250 movies of all time. The movie cost 30 million dollars to make and it grossed over 190 in sales and launched a franchise that’s still going today nearly 20 years later. The movie itself was wonderful and can be enjoyed by people of all ages. There’s really nothing wrong with it if you know what you’re in for before watching. My final score is 10 out of 10 and if you haven’t seen it already, I’m shocked. Pick it up IMMEDIATELY!

Wreck It Ralph (2012)

Ah Wreck It Ralph, the culmination of 30 years worth of video games. While The Wizard cashed in on the Nintendo craze, this one is more a children’s movie that tips their hat to some of the classics that came out over the years. There are hundreds of game references and dialogue appropriate for all ages. The movie is basically a behind the scenes world of what video game characters do when the arcades clear out. Think Toy Story only with arcade games. A whole generation had grown up with video games and this is something both them and their young children could enjoy. Written and directed by Rob Moore, it was released November 2, 2012. It was a smash hit but is it as good as advertised? Let’s find out.

*spoiler alert*

We open at Litwak’s arcade with someone dropping a coin into the game Fix It Felix Jr. A narration from Ralph (John C Reilly), the heel of the game, tells us his backstory. He was a giant living in a tree stump when movers bulldozed his stump to the garbage dump. He comes out and notices the forest he was living in has been replaced with a giant hotel. Enraged, HE’S GONNA WRECK IT! Its up to the hotel’s maintenance man Felix Jr (Jack McBrayer) to save the inhabitants from Ralph’s onslaught with his magic hammer. This is a reference to Donkey Kong/Donkey Kong Jr and a good one too. If the kid playing the game fixes it, Felix gets a medal and the inhabitants gang up and toss Ralph off the roof into the mud below. That’s just the game back story, now a graphic shows “30 years ago” meaning the game has been around since 1982….impressive run. Actually the plot tie in is that the game itself has been at Litwak’s for 30 years while other machines have come and gone. A sad part of life is that arcades have mostly died off due to home consoles improving over the years, but even if you find one the games are more recent than classic. Ralph even mentions who knows what happened to Asteroids and Centipede. Once Litwak (Ed O’Neil) closes the arcade, the game characters come to life ala Toy Story. Yuni Verse (Jamie Sparer Roberts, the casting director for the film) from Dance Dance Revolution tells everyone the cost is clear while Ken (Reuben Langdon) and Ryu (Kyle Hebert) from Street Fighter 2 stop fighting and agree to head to Tapper’s. Back to the hotel, Felix leads the Nicelanders (nice name, see what I did there?) for a post-game party while Ralph goes home to the dump and wishes for a better life.

When we finally see Ralph, he’s actually been telling his story at BAD ANON, a group therapy session for all the video game bad guys. Among the dignitaries are Bison (Gerald C Rivers) and Zangief (Rich Moore, the director of the movie) from Street Fighter 2, the Zombie from House of the Dead (Raymond Persi), Satan (Martin Jarvis) from Satan’s Hollow, Dr Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog, Bowser from Super Mario Brothers, Kano (Brian Kesinger, listed in the credits as ‘Cyborg’ for child protection purposes) and Smoke from Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, Neff from Altered Beast, Mishaela from Shining Force, Beholder from Eye of the Beholder, 1011001 from Cyborg Justice and the host, Clyde (Kevin Deters) from Pac-Man. After Ralph is finished, Zangief goes next. He says that he crushes heads between his thighs like sparrow eggs and asked himself why he has to be a bad guy. He then realizes if he’s a good guy, who will crush heads like sparrow eggs? In one of the best lines he says “Zangief, you bad guy…but this does not mean you are bad GUY.” Ralph doesn’t get it so Zombie pipes in and says labels don’t define who you are and you must love yourself. Kano then jumps up and rips out Zombie’s heart like his finisher in Mortal Kombat. He says “Yeah, in here!” Normally that would be scary for kids but Zombie’s already dead so he’s unaffected. Clyde then asks why Ralph’s finally going to Bad Anon after years of saying no and Ralph answers its the 30 year anniversary of his game being released. Satan says congrats and Ralph says “Thanks Satan.” Satan “Uh..its Saitine…actually.” Ralph then declares he doesn’t want to be a bad guy anymore. This causes an uproar where Bowser shoots flames out of his mouth and Clyde turns blue like in Pac-Man. Kano tells him he can’t mess with the program and Bison asks if Ralph is “going Turbo.” That reference will be explained later. Ralph says is it so much to ask for something better like medals, pies and recognition and the Zombie answers “yesss.” Clyde tells him they can’t change who they are and Zangief tells him “one game at a time Ralph.” Then they hold hands and make the proclamation: “I’m bad and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.” The credits roll as Saitine tells Ralph to hang in there as Bison says he can’t do the snacks next week. In a cool graphic, little sprites of everyone are shown leaving the inner circle of Pac-Man where Clyde usually lurks. Ralph steals the cherry underneath before he leaves.

The next scene shows nearly every arcade and console game character in Game Central Station as Ralph gets stopped by the Surge Protector (Phil Johnston, the guy who wrote the screenplay actually) for munching on the cherry. Sonic The Hedgehog (Roger Craig Smith) does a PSA saying don’t die outside your own game or you won’t regenerate. Very important later actually. Ralph spots Q’Bert and his gang with a sign reading “Unplugged, please help.” Basically when a game is unplugged, the characters have to abandon their games and are homeless. Ralph gives part of his cherry to Q’Bert but gets stopped by the Surge Protector before he can make it back. Back at the hotel Felix and the Nicelanders are having a 30th anniversary party which is DJ’d by Skillrex himself and bartended by Jaxson De Box (from Snacks N Jaxson) if you look closely. Ralph gets jealous that Pac-Man was invited and decides to crash it. Some of the Nicelanders that freak out are Roy (Skylar Astin), Mary (Edie McClurg), Don (Jess Harnell) and Deanna (Rachael Harris). Felix, babyface that he is, decides to invite Ralph in for cake after Glenn the Turtle (Tucker Gilmore) from Frogger says its being served. One of the Nicelanders, Gene (also voiced by Raymond Persi), ain’t so nice and he’s miffed. After Ralph inadvertently kills Felix (he regenerates since its his game) an argument ensues. Ralph pleads his case that he just wants to be accepted for once, Gene telling him that he’s just the bad guy and deserves nothing. Ralph says Felix gets enough medals and deserves his own, then asks if he gets his own medal will he be able to live in the hotel? Gene says sure but that’ll never happen since he’s just the bad guy. Ralph gets mad and inadvertently smashes the celebration cake all over the place and all over Pac-Man too. Disgusted, Ralph heads to Tapper’s, yes the arcade game. Can’t think of a better hang out than that. Tapper himself (Maurice LaMarche) tells him to check the lost and found for a medal. While Ralph does that, he runs into one of the characters for a first person rail shooter Hero’s Duty named Markowski (Joe Lo Truglio). Apparently if you beat the game, you win a medal. Ralph then steals the guy’s suit and runs over Q’Bert on his way to join Hero’s Duty. There we meet Calhoun (Jane Lynch) the brash, outspoken tough as nails leader of the human resistance against the cybugs. Ralph screws up the shooter, Moppet Girl (Stefanie Scott) the nerdy arcade geek, and she storms off to go play Fix It Felix Jr after being told to beat it by some fat kid hogging the racing game Sugar Rush, more on that later. Ralph gets chewed out by Calhoun and he sneaks away as the beacon (think giant bug zapper) fries all the bugs. Anyway, with Ralph busy climbing the tower in Hero’s Duty, obviously he’s not in his own game so when Moppet Girl puts a quarter in, there’s no Ralph and no demolished building. Felix tries his best to improvise but then runs off screen to find Ralph. Moppet calls over Litwak who says they’ll have the electrician look at the game in the morning and if they can’t fix it, they’ll have to pull the plug. Litwak puts an out of order sticker on the game which causes the Nicelanders to realize that without Ralph, there is no game. They freak out and Felix does his best to calm him down when Q’Bert comes to visit with the news. Ralph has gone TURBO! What does that mean? More on that later.

So Felix hops over to Hero’s Duty where he almost gets shot up by Calhoun and her men (remember, if you die outside your game, you’re history). He explains to her that Ralph was supposed to be there when they hear a bang coming from the tower. Ralph has climbed all the way up and avoids a sea of eggs (ala Alien) to grab the medal. Once the medal is grabbed, General Hologram (Dennis Haysbert) appears and showers Ralph with praise for beating the game. While Ralph thanks the other holograms as he makes his exit, he steps on one of the eggs, causing it to hatch. The cybug attaches to Ralph’s face and he stumbles into an escape pod, which launches him clear out of the game, through Game Central Station and straight into Sugar Rush, a Candyland based racing game. Ralph and the fully grown bug get ejected from the pod, the bug falling in a pit of sugar while Ralph lands in a candy cane tree. He notices his medal is gone into another tree so he begins climbing. He’s interrupted by Vanellope (Sarah Silverman) the quirky, annoying, fast talking homeless bum of the game. After a brief exchange of insults, Vanellope beats Ralph up the tree and steals his medal. He falls into what appears to be a lake of green taffy. Back at the station, Surge Protector explains to Felix, Calhoun and her right hand man Kohut (Brandon Scott) that Ralph went to Sugar Rush. Calhoun explains to Felix that the bug doesn’t know its in a game so it’ll tear the game apart then every game in the arcade. Kohut explains to Felix Calhoun’s backstory of how a cybug ate her husband as they were getting married, which is why she’s as nasty as she is. Felix convinces her that he’ll go to Sugar Rush to fix it since that what he does.

Meanwhile in Sugar Rush, all the racers are lined up for a big race. Its funny how all the fans in the stands are gumdrops, popcorn, lollipops, etc. The MC is a sour patch kid, Sour Bill (also voiced by film director Rich Moore) and he announces the “rightful ruler, King Candy.” King Candy (Alan Tudyk) makes his grand entrance “Have some candy!”. The concept of the game is “new racers daily”. How can that be? Well apparently all the racers in the game have a race before the arcade opens and the first 9 across the finish line are the ones who will be selectable when the arcade opens. Some of the racers include Taffyta Muttonfudge (Mindy Kaling), Candlehead (Katie Lowes), Rancis Fluggerbutter (Jamie Elman), Jubileena Bing-Bing (Josie Trinidad) and Crumbelina Di Caramello (Cymbre Walk). Candy explains that its pay to play meaning anyone who’s won before has to give up a gold coin in order to enter the race. Kind of sucks for the ones that are never chosen and therefore, never win. That’s apparently Vanellope. When Vanellope uses Ralph’s medal to get into the race, everyone freaks out. Apparently because she glitches, everyone hates her. By glitches, she glitches like electronics do. Candy calls for security, a donut named Duncan (Horatio Sanz) and an éclair named Wynnchel (Adam Carrola), both dressed as cops, which is hilarious. Vanellope runs away only to be met by Ralph who’s totally covered in taffy. Everyone in Sugar Rush from security, to the racers to even the popcorn fans (and I don’t mean fans of popcorn, the fans ARE popcorn) freak out and run away. In chasing her, Ralph does what he does best…wreck everything. Before he gets to her, he gets trapped and encased in a giant cupcake. Vanellope gets away as Duncan and Wynnchel attack Ralph with nightsticks. Taffyta enlists Candlehead and Rancis to go find Vanellope as Candy restores order. He demands Ralph be brought to his castle.

At the castle, the guards outside are Oreos. They chant “Or-e-oh” which is a tip of the hat to Wizard of Oz and pretty clever too. Candy enters in his race car and has Sour Bill rip the taffy off Ralph’s face to identify him. He immediately realizes its Wreck It Ralph which was pretty odd. No one else in the game knows who that is but Candy does…wonder why? More on that later. Candy grills him and Ralph explains he won the medal in Hero’s Duty and just wants it back. Candy asks if he’s “gone Turbo” like Bison and Q’Bert mentioned earlier and once again I’ll explain later. Candy’s ready to battle but Ralph says “one of your little children of the candy corn stole my medal.” Candy realizes Vanellope used the medal to buy her way into the race and explains to Ralph that the medal is gone and nothing but code. Ralph says he’s not leaving without his medal and Candy says yes he is. He wants him out of the cupcake and on the first train out and if he ever comes back, he’ll be locked in the Fungeon. Yes, that’s how he says it. Candy drives off to find Vanellope as Duncan revs up a chainsaw, causing Ralph to freak out and scamper away. Ralph busts through the wall and escapes the cupcake. D and W call for the devildogs, haha. Ralph escapes and sees a crew of racers and runs off to try to convince one of them to give up the medal if they win. While hiding nearby, the crew surround Vanellope and her pedal pushing car (think Flintstones) and bully her around. Taffyta being the leader leads Candlehead, Rancis, etc in breaking her car and she shoves Vanellope into a puddle of chocolate…what a heel! Ralph can take no more and scares off the “rotten little cavities” as he calls them. Ralph confronts her and Vanellope explains she was going to give the medal back at the end of the race and if he’s that angry why doesn’t he go get another one. He says he won it in Hero’s Duty which causes back and forth “doodie” jokes. Ralph says she better get the medal back and she says unless he’s got a go-kart hidden in the fat rolls on his neck, she can’t. Ralph throws a tantrum and busts open a jawbreaker which impresses Vanellope. She then strikes a deal with Ralph to break into the go-kart factory and get her a new kart, for if she wins, she’ll give him the medal back.
Meanwhile Felix and Calhoun find the empty shuttle and speculate what the heck Ralph was thinking. Felix mentions he may gave “gone Turbo” and Calhoun asks what that means. FINALLY, I can explain it. Apparently when the arcade first opened, there was a racing game called Turbotime. The playable racer Turbo loved winning and being number 1. So when Roadblasters came out, Turbo got jealous. He left his game and purposely sabotaged Road Blasters, getting both games unplugged. Back in Sugar Rush, Calhoun and Felix get caught in the Nesquiksand (Ha!). Calhoun beats him up so the laffy taffy get long enough for them to climb to safety. All this was to set up rapport between Felix and Calhoun. Meanwhile below the surface, the cybug creates a nest.

Back to Ralph and Vanellope, they sneak by the security station guarded by Beard Papa (John DiMaggio). Useless information but Beard Papa is the real life mascot for a successful Japanese bakery, think Dunkin Donuts but in Japan. Anyway Ralph and Vanellope break in the factory and work together with various hijinks to make the car. The best being Ralph’s exclamation “UNDERPANTS? NOOOO!!!”. The car comes out looking ridiculous but Vanellope loves it. Finally Beard Papa wakes up and calls King Candy. Just as Vanellope and Ralph put the finishing touches, Candy and security appears. Ralph squirts the King with glaze and tells Vanellope to step on it. Candy “He just glazed me, get them!” Only problem is Vanellope doesn’t know how to drive much to the chagrin of Ralph. He manages to make the getaway using his hands and makes it to Diet Cola Mountain, Vanellope’s hangout. Ralph explains to Vanellope that he lives alone in the garbage and the medal was going to change that. Vanellope gets it because winning the race would do the same for her. Ralph jumps up and down causing an explosion. Apparently the lava is diet cola and the rocks are mentos….you get the idea. Vanellope gives her sob story about how everyone says she’s not supposed to exist and that she lives in this mountain like a homeless lady. Ralph asks why she sticks around and she says she’s not allowed to leave. Ralph then pounds out a racing course and now we get a montage. Vanellope learns to drive in a montage with Rihanna’s Shut Up and Drive for soundtrack.

Duncan and Wynnchel report back to King Candy that they couldn’t find them. Candy and Bill head to a secret room with a Nintendo controller for a safety lock (nice) and he punches in the Konami Code (double nice). Apparently its the code of the game. Candy searches through the code and finds Ralph’s medal, then applies it to himself. It should be noted everything in the game is connected through the code, except Vanellope which is discarded by the wayside. Another clue that something isn’t on the up and up, more on that later. Back in the fixed escape pod, Felix checks out Calhoun but calls her “dynamite gal” which is apparently what Calhoun’s dead husband Brad (Tim Mertens, the Editor of the movie) used to call her so she gives him the boot. Felix trudges up to Candy’s castle and Sour Bill answers. Felix says he’s looking for Ralph and Bill pulls a lever that drops Felix into the fungeon. Back to Vanellope and Ralph, they come out of the mountain and she wonders if the gamers will love her. Ralph assures her they will and she runs back into the mountain to get something. Just then King Candy shows up and after Ralph briefly chases him. The best part was Candy puts glasses on and Ralph just hits him with them. “You hit a man WITH glasses, that’s well played.” Ralph finally grabs a hold of him but Candy bribes him with the medal. Candy explains Vanellope can’t be allowed to race. If she does get in the top 9, gamers will choose her and she’ll glitch. She’ll glitch so much Litwak will think the game is broken and pull the plug. All the king’s subjects will be homeless and since Vanellope can’t leave, she’ll die with the game. Ralph argues that the gamers will love her but Candy counters with what if they don’t. Candy tells Ralph to talk her out of racing and he reluctantly agrees. Candy drives off and Vanellope runs out. Vanellope then presents Ralph with a makeshift medal that says “To stinkbrain, you’re my hero.” Ralph then uncomfortably tries to talk Vanellope out of racing and she’s shocked. She refuses so Ralph has to get nasty and smash up the kart, causing her to cry out. “You really are a bad guy!” before running off.

Ralph grabs his medal which is pretty much blood money and takes the train back to his own game. Only problem is, there’s no one left in the hotel but Gene. Gene explains that Felix went to find him but never returned. When he didn’t come back, everyone panicked and left plus Litwak is pulling the plug in the morning. Gene says he’s a man of his word and gives Ralph the key to the hotel since Ralph brought back a medal. Gene leaves and Ralph throws his medal up against the arcade cabinet screen, causing the out of order sign to slide a little off. When it slides, he can see the Sugar Rush machine and clutches his makeshift medal. Then he notices Vanellope’s picture on the side of the machine and starts putting two and two together. Back at Sugar Rush, Bill is sweeping up dust when Ralph confronts him on why if Vanellope was never supposed to exist, why is she on the side? Bill tries to escape but Ralph snatches him and says talk or get licked. Bill refuses and Ralph puts him in his mouth “Oh ho ho, they call you Sour Bill for a reason!” Ralph removes Bill and he’s ready to talk now. Vanellope WAS apart of the game but King Candy tried to delete her code. Bill says he’s also locked up everyone’s memory so they can’t remember why Vanellope isn’t supposed to be a glitch. Also, if she races and crosses the finish line, the game will reset and she won’t be a glitch anymore. So THAT’S why Candy is hellbent on keeping her out…but why? We got us a Scooby Doo mystery here but instead of a dog, we got Ralph to solve it. Apparently Vanellope was picked up by security and tossed into the fungeon with Felix. Ralph sticks Bill on a nearby lollipop and goes after them.
Meanwhile Calhoun is searching for the cybug when she drops down a hole and discovers the cybug has laid thousands of eggs, good grief. Down in the fungeon, Felix tries to smash the prison bars with his hammer….but since he fixes things, he just makes the bars stronger. Thankfully, Ralph busts in and makes the save. Felix rants and raves about the bad day he’s had and Ralph has no idea what its like to be a criminal. Ralph says that’s his life every day and that’s why he tried to be a hero for once. He begs Felix to fix the broken go-Kart and of course, Felix does. What a guy. They also break out Vanellope and everyone makes up….yay. Meanwhile the Random Roster Race is about to commence only Vanellope’s name is crossed out. Ralph, Felix and Vanellope are on their way though and Ralph explains she doesn’t have to win, just finish. She drops Felix and Ralph off at the start line and takes off. We then get a Mario Kart-esque free-for all where Candy and Taffyta’s crew wipe out the rest of the field until its just them and Vanellope. Taffyta tells Candlehead to ignite some cherry bombs and Vanellope kicks it into high gear. Taffyta taunts her until she glitches right in front of them, distracting the crew long enough for Vanellope to pull off a long jump while Taffyta and her crew plunge into a cupcake and out of the race. Down to Candy and Vanellope, we are interrupted by Calhoun knocking Ralph on his face. Calhoun says they’re dead meat and as Ralph tries to reason that the cybug died a whole SWARM of cybugs erupt and engulf the stands. Calhoun pulls out her rifle, jumps on her hoverboard and opens fire. She directs all the game’s subjects to the Station for safety. Ralph stands there like a crossing guard until he notices the finish line is open. If Vanellope can make it, the game resets and the bugs are gone. Only problem is the bugs are drawn by the finish line sign and eat the darn thing.

Meanwhile Candy and Vanellope go head to head which ends up with Candy plunging his car directly into Vanellope’s. He then gets up, pulls out his horn stick and tries to melee attack Vanellope. Back at the track, Ralph starts beating the crap out of various bugs when Felix tells him to look up at the screen. Vanellope manages to grab the stick and now Candy begins to glitch. Ralph and Felix are in shock as Candy reluctantly reveals himself to be…TURBO!!! You can hear good ol’ Jim Ross now… “Bah gawd, it was TURBO ALL ALONG! OH MY GAWD IT WAS TURBO!”. Candy/Turbo reveals he reprogrammed the game so he could race once more and he’s not going to let Vanellope ruin it. There ya go folks, THAT’S why Candy was hell-bent on keeping Vanellope out. Had she finished the race, the game resets, Candy goes back to being Turbo and most likely he’s thrown out of the game. Turbo tries to ram Vanellope into a wall but she glitches out of the way and he ends up driving right into the mouth of a cybug. Vanellope races to the finish line but I look up and there’s still 20 minutes left of movie time….uh oh. Sure enough another swarm of cybugs erupt and overrun the race track and Vanellope’s car, which veers offroad about a hundred yards from the finish line. Ralph and Felix grab her and say they have to get out of here, Vanellope pleading that she didn’t cross the line. As the cybugs engulf and eat the remainder of the track, Ralph reasons there is no line to cross now. Back at the game entrance, Vanellope can’t leave the game when Ralph tries to pull her through. Calhoun says she’s going to blow the place as Vanellope tells Ralph to leave without her. Felix asks what about the game and Calhoun says without a beacon, they can’t stop the bugs. Ralph remembers Diet Cola Mountain and takes Calhoun’s hoverboard. He tells Vanellope to stay with Felix and Calhoun while he goes to create a beacon. Suddenly the cybugs attack and Calhoun opens fire with Felix and Vanellope behind her. Ralph makes it to the top of the mountain and pounds away at the mentos. Just as he goes to deliver the final blow, he’s knocked backwards by a large tentacle. “Welcome to the boss level!” Turbo/Candy is now a giant cybug and he says that he’s now the most powerful virus in the arcade. He should thank Ralph but it’ll be more fun to kill him! A fight ensues where Candybug knocks Ralph around as Calhoun runs out of ammo at the entrance. She and Felix can leave but Vanellope can’t. Candybug uses its wings to grab Ralph and fly to the sky, making sure Ralph sees Vanellope bite it. Ralph then sacrifices himself as he breaks free from Candy’s grip for one final senton bomb. Vanellope then wades through the bugs after him using her glitching. He recites the proclamation as he plows into the mentos, causing them to fall into the soda, causing a massive explosion which causes a makeshift beacon. As Ralph plunges toward certain death, Vanellope appears with one of the other racing cars and catches Ralph just in time. Meanwhile the bugs all are drawn to the beacon, including Candy/Turbo, who is immolated. Since its not his own game, he’s deader than horse manure. Ralph lands in chocolate and the day has been saved. Felix kisses Calhoun on the cheek…who grabs him for a long deep one.

Felix fixes the finish line and Vanellope crosses it, resetting the game. Vanellope floats in midair and transforms into a princess. All the subjects and racers return as does their memory. Sour Bill with the lollipop still attached says. “Now I remember! All hair the rightful ruler of Sugar Rush….PRINCESS Vanellope.” Now you see why Turbo had to get rid of her when he reprogrammed the game. Taffyta begs for forgiveness and Vanellope decrees all those that were mean to her shall be executed, much to Calhoun’s delight. Taffyta starts crying as even Sour Bill looks confused but Vanellope says she’s just kidding. She also ditches her princess dress for the outfit she’s worn the whole movie. Wynnchel asks without a princess, who’d lead them and she said she will…just not like Candy. President Vanellope von Schweetz…good lord. Calhoun says the arcade’s about to open so Felix and Ralph must go. After a sob worthy farewell, Ralph and Vanellope exchange goodbyes. Taffyta and her crew embrace Vanellope as the “out of order” sign is taken off Fix It Felix Jr. Mr. Litwak jumps for joy as the game is fixed since Ralph is back. Back at Bad Anon, Ralph declares he’s taking it one game at a time to a much deserved applause. Ralph says the game’s the same but he’s finally getting positive attention from the Nicelanders. Plus, he got Q’Bert and the gang to help out on bonus levels to give them a home. Wouldn’t that be cool in real life to have Q’Bert assist Mario against Donkey Kong? Now Moppet Girl is the queen of the arcade and everyone gathers around her as she plays Felix Jr. He also had the Nicelanders and Felix build him a house and a shack for Q’Bert and his crew. Ralph was also best man at Felix and Calhoun’s wedding where there were no cybugs present to crash the party. Ralph says now the best part of his day is getting thrown off the roof because he has the best view of Sugar Rush and he can see Vanellope race. As he thought, the glitch makes her unbeatable and the gamers (Moppet Girl especially) love her. “I don’t need a medal, how bad can I be?” The credits roll with an amazing montage using 8 bit sprites of everyone in the movie.

Cast –

John C Reilly nailed it as Ralph. You can feel he was really into the character. Its his own voice but he was up to the task.

Sarah Silverman was perfect as Vanellope. Her annoying voice fit well with the annoying character. It also seemed like she had fun with the role.

Alan Tudyk stole the show as King Candy. You can barely tell it was him doing the voice acting which is a sign of a good actor. His voice mannerisms made the character what it was.

Jane Lynch KILLED IT as Calhoun. It was like watching an animated version of her with the volume turned up. I can’t think of anyone else that could have pulled the role off better than her. Outstanding casting decision.

Jack McBrayer is a staple of the modern Disney movies and he did well as the babyface Felix. His always positive nature brought a lot of gentlemanly aspects to the character that’s surprisingly lacking in modern film.

Ed O’Neil as Mr. Litwak was great even if it was only for a few speaking parts.

Dennis Haysbert as the General was great, even if he did sound too much like the State Farm character he plays in commercials.

Maurice LaMarche was more known as The Brain from Pinky and The Brain so to see him as the babyface Tapper, that’s pretty funny.

Markowski was actually veteran voice actor Joe Lo Truglio who was Lucky from GTA Liberty City Stories and Vermin in The Warriors video game.

Speaking of The Brain, Jess Harnell aka Wakko from Animaniacs has a one line role as Don the Nicelander. Don’s wife Deanna is voiced by Rachael Harris of Fat Actress. Mary was voiced by Edie McClurg, a veteran actress known mostly for Natural Born Killers and Ferris Buehler’s Day Off. Roy was voiced by Skylar Astin which is ironic considering he starred in a show called The Online Gamer. Glenn The Turtle was Tucker Gilmore who later worked on Frozen. Gene/Zombie was Raymond S Persi, who directed a number of Simpsons episodes over the years.

Duncan and Wynchell were Horatio Sanz of Saturday Night Live fame and Adam Carolla of The Man Show. If you a notice a pattern developing here, even the bit roles are or were A listers at one point.

Moppet Girl was 16 year old Stefanie Scott, who’s now known as Lexi from the tv series A.N.T. Farm.

Beard Papa was veteran voice actor John DiMaggio who’s credited on over 260 tv shows and movies.

Rich Moore directed and co-wrote the movie plus did the voices for Zangief and Sour Bill. Both sounded great.

Mindy Kaling was Taffyta which is hilarious considering some of the films and tv roles she’s worked on. Played a great heel in this one, even if it was only animated.

Candlehead was Katie Lowes, who’s a regular on Scandal now.

Rancis seemed to be the only male racer other than King Candy so he was voiced by Jamie Elman. Jamie was one of the kids in Johnny Mneumonic and was in the tv series American Dreeams.

Jubileena was voiced by Josie Trinidad, who actually works for Disney in the animation department.

Crumbellina was Cymbre Walk, who works for Disney as a casting associate.

Kohut was Brandon Scott, also known for his work on Grey’s Anatomy.

Brad, the ill-fated husband was Tim Mertens. Tim is more known for his Emmy award winning sound editing in various projects, including Rocko’s Modern Life, Pocahontas and Tarzan.

Clyde was voiced by Ken Deters, a storyline writer for Disney most notably Prep & Landing.

M.Bison was Gerald C Rivers, the same voice actor for Bison in the past few Street Fighter games. Good consistency.

Saitine was voiced by legendary British actor Martin Jarvis. He was in Titantic and the tv series Rings on Their Fingers.

Kano (Cyborg in the credits) was voiced by Brian Kesinger, who is an award winning layout artist.

Sonic The Hedgehog was done by Roger Craig Smith, a veteran voice actor for tv shows and video games. He’s been doing the voice for Chris Redfield for the Resident Evil series for the past 5 years.

Surge Protector was actually the film’s co-writer, Phil Johnston.

Ken was voiced by Reuben Langdon, a Hollywood stuntman and motion capture specialist. He also did the voice acting for Ken in the Street Fighter 4 video game along with Gerald C Rivers.

No surprise here but Ryu was voiced by the same guy who did it in Street Fighter 4, Kyle Hebert. Kyle’s also done lots of voice acting for shows and video games.

Yuni Verse was Jamie Sparer Robers, an awarding winning casting director. Meaning she casted this entire crew of A list actors and all-star voice actors.

Nudity – Ralph’s big hands and King Candy’s bald head.

Gore – Kano rips Zombie’s heart out…but he’s already dead so its all good. Animated green blood from the cybugs. Its a kids movie, what do you expect?

Soundtrack – Great actually. Had a mixture of everything from Skillrex to Kool and The Gang.

Language – None, its a children’s movie.

Final Thoughts:

Outstanding! One of the best movies I’ve ever seen. Why? It had it all. It was a perfect, easy to follow story with great voice acting, wonderfully written dialogue and it had something for everyone of all ages. Classic games, modern games, obscure games….everything was FUN. That’s the point of the movie, to have fun. It was cool enough for hardcore gamers but innocent enough to bring your children to. There wasn’t one pointless scene in the whole movie and it seemed like everyone involved did their best. The casting department deserved a big hand because everyone involved was an A-list actor or a veteran voice actor. Bottom line is the movie touched on two generations of gamers, the first and their children. If you’re looking for Casablanca, look elsewhere but if you want a good family movie or want to relax with some iconic video game characters, this one’s for you. I give it the perfect 10 out of 10. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this movie that I can think of without nit picking. HIGHLY recommended!

Dirty Harry (1971)

The film that started the Dirty Harry series. Clint Eastwood was one of the legends in the Western movie business with iconic classics such as the Spaghetti Western Trilogy and Hang Em’ High. He also had been in World War 2 based Where Eagles Dare, another classic. The common theme to the majority of his movies were that they were set in the past, either in the old west or world war 2. Could the now 41 year old Clint play a modern character? Clearly, Dirty Harry meant yes. It was directed by Don Siegel and released on December 23, 1971. Originally it was supposed to be Frank Sinatra in the starring role but he suffered a wrist injury and couldn’t commit. Paul Newman was offered the role next but he declined and suggested Clint do it. Imagine either Frank Sinatra or Paul Newman saying the same lines, doesn’t quite work due to their different styles.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Clint Eastwood plays babyface police officer Harry Callahan, old school and tough as nails. A serial killer is loose in San Fransisco and its up to Harry to save the day. The movie opens with a healthy looking young lady (Diana Davidson) going for a swim. All fine and dandy right? Except….there’s a maniac with a sniper rifle who tags her in the back. Soon the credits roll and Inspector Callahan finds the shell casing and a letter. Thus we begin.

The Mayor (John Vernon) reads the letter which states that the killer wants $100,000 or he’ll kill “a catholic priest or a nigger”. Those are fighting words in my country….but too bad we’re not in my country. It IS Harry’s country and he’s chosen by the Chief (John Larch) and police Lieutenant Bressler (Harry Guardino) to get him. Its established that he shoots first and asks questions later. Which is proven in the next scene where Callahan stops for some coffee but he notices a homeboy parked in front of the bank with about a dozen cigarette butts on the ground. Harry smells a rat and tells Mr. Jaffe (Woodrow Parfrey) to call the cops while he checks it out. Nowadays people would claim Harry was being racist, but they can stick it in their hat because the bank is, in fact, being robbed. Harry then caps all of the robbers but not before they run over a fire hydrant and tags Harry in the leg, getting blood on his fresh suit. What an inconvenience! By the way, if you can look closely, the movie showing on the marquee on the movie theater reads Play Misty For Me…Eastwood’s other movie he did in 1971. Anyway, one of the homeboys is still alive so Harry comes over and points his gun at him. He then utters his iconic line “Do you feel lucky, punk.” The punk (Albert Popwell) “gots to know” and Callahan pulls the trigger…click, out of ammo. After a scene where he gets patched up by a black doctor named Steve (Marc Herstens) and another where police choppers seach the rooftops for the assassin, we go back to the station for Bressler to surprise Harry by giving him a partner. Enter Chico (Reni Santoni), and Callahan is about as excited as last night’s toast.

Apparently Harry’s last two partners ended up in the hospital or stone cold dead, but since Chico doesn’t immediately run away screaming with his hands waving in the air when Harry tells him, Bressler tells Harry that he’ll do. Harry would much rather work with De Giorgio (John Mitchum) but instead he gets Chico who apparently was a light heavyweight boxer from San Diego State. Callahan is unimpressed and they run into the portly De Giorgio in the next room. Chico innocently asks why he’s called Dirty Harry and Di Giorgio says he hates…and I quote, “Limeys, micks, hebes, dagos, honkies and chinks”. Chico asks what about Mexicans and Harry answers “Especially spics.” Ya see, its not racism if you hate everyone equally.

Meanwhile ol Scorpio (Andrew Robinson) sees the ad in the San Francisco Chronicle that says the police need more time to pay him. Tearing up the paper in disgust, he then chooses his next target, a jiving black lady who has a conversation on a nearby bench. Scorpio locks and loads but the alert police chopper spots him and he beats a hasty retreat before they can identify him. Now later on in the night, Chico and Harry ponder how he could get away while they drive through the red light district. A police dispatch identifies Scorpio’s attire and Chico thinks he sees the guy as two local yokels jump in front of the car, causing Harry to call one of them (Don Siegel, the director of the movie) hammerhead. Finally, they spot someone running down the street with a tan suitcase like the one Scorpio carries his rifle with. Chico and Callahan get out and chase the man. Callahan sees him run into an apartment so he disturbs a nearby cat to stand on the garbage can it was occupying….only to find out its some civilian bringing a suitcase of clothes to his portly wife. Just as the man undresses the woman’s top, Harry is pulled down by five members of the neighborhood watch and is beaten up as a peeping tom. Chico fires a warning shot and puts them against the wall. Harry tells him to let them go as they were just being concerned citizens. One of them even says that he was peeking in on Hot Mary (Lois Foraker) who pulls down the shades with her goods hanging out. Chico can’t help but say “Now I know why they call you Dirty Harry” as Callahan walks away disgusted.

All of a sudden they get an 8-0-4 call from dispatch and they take off in hot pursuit. Apparently a man (Bill Couch) on the roof of a building can’t take this cruel world and he wants to take a swan dive into the afterlife. Harry involuntarily goes to the top to talk the poor guy out of jumping. Harry then uses reverse psychology to get the jumper to take a swing at him. Harry then lands a right cross to the jaw, knocking him out but luckily Harry’s got him and they’re lowered by the fire chief to safety. Harry tells Chico THAT’S why they call him Dirty Harry, he does every dirty job that comes along. The next morning they are dispatched to look at the remains of a young black boy that was shot in the face. Upon entering the crime scene, a nearby woman (Mae Mercer) tells them the boy’s name was Charlie Russell and it was her son. Harry pulls the sheet off the corpse and Chico nearly vomits up his intestines. Sure enough, they find the 30-06 shell casing nearby proving that the killer was Scorpio.

Back at the station the Chief, Bressler, Chico and Harry go over patterns and discover that his next target will be at the local church. After all, in the letter Scorpio wrote he said he’d kill a black and a priest…and he just offed a black. That night Harry and Chico set up surveillance on a rooftop across the street from the church. Apparently the priest was warned he was a marked man but refused to let someone stand in for him to take a bullet. While looking for the binoculars, Harry spots a healthy looking young lady in her underwear…who strips them off. Two people come to her door but before she can strip them too, Harry spots the door to the roof open. He and Chico lock and load as a figure appears on the nearby roof. Chico shines the light and its Scorpio alright. Harry fires but misses and Scorp starts blasting with an uzi (nice change of pace). After a brief shootout where the neon Jesus Saves sign bites it, he runs away. As Chico and Harry run down to catch him, Scorp blows away a police officer and gets away, D’OH!

The next day Chico and Harry head to the station where Bressler looks at pictures of a 14 year old girl named Ann Marie Deacon (Debralee Scott) that apparently Scorpio kidnapped the night before. He enclosed a letter saying he buried her alive, what a humanitarian. He also says he’s upped his ransom to $200,000 in used 10’s and 20’s. Apparently huge stacks of 5 dollar bills won’t count. The letter also says that the girl has enough oxygen to last her until 3 AM and she has nice tits (so he’s a sicko as well as a murderer, lovely). Bring the money by 9 PM or else! Also enclosed are locks of her hair, her bra and a tooth that was pulled out with pliers. Bressler assigns Harry to crack the case but tells Chico to hit the bricks. Chico scoffs and goes with Harry anyway where Harry gets a wire from Sid the electrician (Maurice Argent). Harry speaks into it and nearly blows Chico’s eardrum out. Sid reminds him he only has to whisper and to kindly bring it back in one piece. Back at the Chief’s office, they’ve come up with the money. Harry takes the yellow duffel bag of money and Bressler escorts him to his office, telling him he may be in on a wild goose chase. Once inside he tells Harry to pay the man and leave. Harry then flicks a switchblade and demands Bressler to give up his wallet….just kidding. He asks for scotch tape so he can hide it on himself in case things fall into close quarters combat. Bressler says its disgusting that a police officer knows how to use a switchblade and Harry just ignores him.

Harry is now on the docks where a nearby payphone (remember those?) rings. He answers and its Scorpio asking if he’s got the money. He asks who he is and Harry answers that he’s a cop, drawing a long silence from the other end of the phone. Finally Scorp says he’s going to bounce him all over town to make sure he’s alone (just as Bressler predicted). Apparently he’s going to be running (no car, per order) all over town answering pay phones. If he talks to anyone or doesn’t answer, the girl dies. He tells Harry to hightail it to Forest Hill Station which causes Chico to take off in the car. Harry makes it to the station and Scorpio tells him to take the bus to the next phone located on Church, once again Chico takes off. Harry literally runs to catch the bus. Remember the wire can’t be heard in a tunnel so Chico can’t really hear him. He makes it to the next phone panting. Scorpio then says he’s going to make him run for the next one, Aquatic Park. Forest Gump would be proud as Harry hoofs to the park where he’s accosted by 3 thugs. They demand his wallet and Harry knocks two of them down before the third runs away when Harry pulls his .44 mag. As he approaches the next phone, some old guy answers it (Charles Murphy) which spooks Scorpio. Luckily for Harry, he rings back and tells him to step on it over to Mt Davidson Park. Callahan looks tired but off he goes.
At this point, I’m only halfway through the movie and I’ll be here a month from Sunday continuing the play-by-play. Instead here’s a brief rundown….Scorpio gets the jump on Harry, Chico saves the day but gets shot up in the process. Harry buries knife into Scorp’s leg and he falls down a hill. Both Chico and Scorp make it to the hospital ok. Callahan and Bressler get a call from the hospital that they treated a patient with a knife wound. Once there, its revealed Scorp is actually the guy who sells programs during football games and lives at Kezar Stadium. Di Giorgio and Harry beat feet there and find Scorp’s hideout but no Scorpio. Apparently he’s limped away only for Harry to hear him and limp off himself in slow pursuit. The next few minutes is just Harry chasing Scorpio through the stadium. Di Giorgio hits the stadium lights and now Harry’s got Scorp in his sights. He surrenders and Harry plugs him in the leg. Scorp begs for his life and Harry takes him into custody rather than blow his head off. Next they pull the girl’s body out of where she was buried and she’s very dead. Next day at the Hall of Justice, District Attorney Rothko (Josef Sommer). Rothko chastises him for his use of force and lack of using Miranda rights, which means as soon as he’s healthy, he walks. Rothko says the rifle won’t hold up in court because of the illegal search without a warrant and Judge Bannerman (William Patterson) says they have no chance in hell to win a trial, all evidence including Scorp’s confession would be excluded. Sure enough, Scorp goes free and he limps to a playground where Callahan stalks him. Next, he visits the Roaring 20’s strip joint with Callahan watching him like a hawk. Useless information but Road Warrior Animal once bounced at the Roaring 20’s in Minnesota. Anyway, next day Scorp limps to some abandoned building where he pays $200 to get beaten to a bloody pulp by a black man. Why? To set up Callahan and claim HE did it. BRILLIANT! The press mob his stretcher as he fingers Callahan and the Chief grills him in his office. Harry says he’s been following him but he didn’t beat him up, citing that he would have beat him to death if it were up to him. After the obligatory checkup scene with Chico and his wife (Lyn Edgington), Harry vows revenge after revealing his wife was killed by a drunk driver. Now Scorp walks into a liquor store where he asks the owner (James Nolan) how many times he’s been robbed. Owner says 14 and the last two were taken out on a stretcher. Scorp then breaks the 5th of Seagrams (it was 5 dollars back then, imagine that now) over the owner’s head, steals the owner’s gun, some bottles of booze and limps away. Next day he boards a school bus and hijacks it much to the chagrin of the driver (Ruth Kobart). He then proceeds to sing Ol McDonald with the kids on the bus before we cut to Callahan walking into the Mayor’s office who reveals Scorp has once again demanded 200K or else he kills the 7 kids on the bus and the driver. The Chief asks Callahan to take the money to him and he refuses, he’d rather kill him now. Mayor will have none of that and he yells at him. Meanwhile back on the bus, Scorp leads the kids in singing Row Your Boat. Finally one kid has enough and demands to go home….which angers Scorp into smacking him. The rest of the kids are frightened and he flips completely out. Once he reaches an overpass, there’s Callahan on the bridge. He freaks and Harry hops onto the top of the bus. Scorp fires a few rounds and knocks the screaming driver out, taking over the wheel. After a shootout, Scorp abandons the bus and takes off for a nearby mill. Another chase scene concludes with Scorp snatching a kid fishing in the creek. He demands Harry drop the gun and Harry goes to do it…then whips up and pops Scorp in the arm. The kid runs away and now its one on one. He repeats the same “lucky punk” line that he used on the bank robber. This time, Scorp reaches for his gun and Callahan blows him away into the drink. He then takes his star out of his badge and tosses it into the drink as the credits roll.

Cast-

Clint was outstanding as Dirty Harry. His cold, sarcastic style that worked in Westerns also worked for this character as well.

39 year old John Vernon was a royal prick as The Mayor, a role he would play to perfection years later in Animal House.

56 year old John Larch was good as the rough but fair Chief.

46 year old Harry Guardino did a great job of being the annoying superior that always butts heads with Callahan.

52 year old John Mitchum was great as Di Giorgio. He’d reprise his role a few times and later appear with Clint in Outlaw Josey Wales.

29 year old Andrew Robinson as the Scorpio Killer was great as he wasn’t given a lot of speaking time until halfway through. The character is a great heel and Robinson plays great heels. He’s also got long, flowing hair to boot.

49 year old Woodrow Parfrey played the friendly cook Mr. Jaffe.

35 year old Albert Popwell played the bank robber that “gots to know”. Cool for a one line appearance.

32 year old Reni Santoni was average as the sidekick cop. His dialogue had no zip, even when he made jokes.

Lois Foraker/Phyllis Katz looked great as Hot Mary, although she would become a regular guest star with her clothes on during M*A*S*H.

45 year old stuntman Bill Couch took a mighty good punch as the suicide jumper.

39 year old Mae Mercer fresh off The Beguiled, works with Clint again as she plays Mrs. Russell. Only problem was, she didn’t act as shaken up as most mothers do when they find out their children have been murdered.

The swimmer was actually 42 year old Diana Davidson. She looked more 22 than 42.

18 year old Debralee Scott made her film debut as Ann Marie Deacon and she’d later go on to fame for her roles in the Police Academy series.

55 year old Maurice Argent gets a scene as Sid the electrician.

37 year old Josef Sommer, a German born actor makes his American film debut as DA Rothko. He’d go on to appear in over 100 movies and tv shows. Here, he’s the prickly DA who pretty much lets the killer walk free.

52 year old William Paterson, a Cleveland stage legend, plays Judge Bannerman here. Not bad considering his small role.

32 year old Lyn Edgington had a great monologue as Chico’s wife Norma. She previously worked with Clint on Rawhide although this was her last major film appearance.

56 year old James Nolan was reaching the end of his film career after appearing in many tv shows since the 40’s.

Long before she was a nun in Sister Act, 47 year old Ruth Kobart played the bus driver.
Soundtrack: Catchy early 70’s funk.

Nudity – Opening scene had Diana Davidson in a bathing suit, but later we get full on big juicy jugs graciously bared by Lois Foraker. Then we get full frontal nudity by all sorts of girls. Debralee Scott’s naked body is pulled out of a burial, thankfully she was 18 at the time even though the character was supposed to be 14 (yuck!). We got totally naked girls at the strip joint and Lyn Edgington’s great legs.

Gore – Gunshot wounds. Smatterings of splattered blood from gunshot wounds, Andrew Robinson gets his face kicked in.

Language – Salty for the time period. Everything but the F bomb is thrown out there and remember the f-word was first used by M*A*S*H* only a year earlier.

Final Thoughts:

Highly recommended but only if you’re not left wing liberal. This was 1971 so politically correctness was non-existent. Lot of racist jokes and comments, lot of shoot em up bang bang and a lunatic killer on the loose. Not exactly family fun for all. Still, this was Eastwood at his best, capping bad guys with the accompanying one liners. For the most part the movie had you on the edge of your seat near the end. Remember this was 1971 so special effects weren’t really special. Films back then relied on visual and psychological effect. The best parts of the movie are the one liners more than the action. I’m going to give it 9 out of 10. 1 point off because the ending was a little lame, but everything else from cast to soundtrack and dialogue went smoothly. If you like action, old school police force, a decent support cast, a great heel and a great lead…this one’s for you.